The Official Shando Spa Review

(another conversation with Pat (Lezlee) and Andy (Shando) wherein Andy relatees thoughts and feelings regarding the spas of Las Vegas, and Pat tries to translate those thoughts into easily discernible cogent information)

P: Okay so Shan we are going to do a review of all the spas we've been to in Vegas - maybe someone would actually care or want our advice and then they could decide on a spa visit based on our fabulous info and review.

A: I thought we were going to write a book? Aren't you giving information away for free that we were going to get paid to write?

P: Well, since we've never written it down, submitted it to a publisher, or been approached by an agent who would like us to write it, I thought maybe we should just go ahead and get the info out there.

A: We're not going to get paid, but we're going to do a bunch of work for free so people on the internet can read about where we went?

P: Right

A: We're going to say which ones are junked up right?

P: Right

A: Okay - so....what do you want me to say - some of them are junked up and some of them are not.

P: Okay well do you want to rank them or start in order of which one we went to first or....

A: How am I suppose to remember what order we went to them in? I have Alzheimers.

P: You probably shouldn't make that joke - I think maybe some people won't think it's very funny and after all your dad did have Alzheimers...

A: So you think my dad cares if I make a joke about Alzheimers?

P: Well, I dont know...

S: My dad is gone, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't care!

P: Okay let's just go through each one and we'll each give our own thoughts.

S: But you're going to write my thoughts right? Because I can give you my thoughts but I have a day job you know, I can't be spending a bunch of time typing my thoughts!

(following is a review of each spa - one from Shando, one from Lezlee)

1. The Spa at the Mirage

From Shando: This spa made me feel like I was a greek goddess or something. Floating in the jacuzzi waiting for my swedish massage while underlings fetched me fruit smoothies and implored me to put cold cucumbers on my eyes while I drip an ice cold washcloth over my skin? What more can I ask for? This spa was damn near perfect. The only tiny weirdness was I had some giant german female masseuse who was pretty scary.

From Lezlee: Free smoothies, free fruit and juice and a plethora of other goodies - a great massage, and a room filled with romanesque baths, jacuzzi's and very attentive staff made me totally okay with floating in a large whirlpool nekid. Totally decadent. Plus in the showers they had AVEDA products - and Aveda mint body wash has always reminded me of this spa ever since. I wanted to stay forever.

2. The spa at the Bellagio

Shan: I thought this spa was going to be so classy and decadent and everything a spa is suppose to be and it was NOT. I was PISSED. First of all the attendants were snotty or snooty or whatever you want to call them, second the whole place felt completely crowded and like we were all in on some gigantic naked cattle call or something. The damn jacuzzi is in the middle of the entire spa so if you wanted to get in a relax it was impossible. How am I suppose to relax naked when I've got twenty people per minute being shuttled in out of of the 12 entrances and exits to this room. When I go wait for my massage it turns out my masseuse is a reallllly pathetic weird little dude with a U head. Now why in the crap do I always get the U heads? Just like the time I went to Hawaii and the only guy on the beach flirting with me was a U head! And the U Head dude did not do a good massage and knew that would happen because that was totally my luck that day. I could just feel that everything was going downhill fast. The waiting room to get your massage was totally full to the brim and the whole experience was just wholly unsatisfying and irritating. The only good part was when I talked the hotel into a room upgrade on a future visit because it was so darn irritating.

Lezlee: Agreed. The Bellagio spa did not live up to the Bellagio reputation at all. Ditto to the whole jacuzzi being in the middle of the room thing - highly irritating. My masseuse was okay though. Shannon has often noted that if one of us is going to get a weird masseuse it's going to be her. I don't know why. This same phenomenon happens when we get pedicures too. She always gets the old korean lady with the lazy eye while I get the 20 year old girl. My masseuse was kind of cute, but very gay. Good massage, bad spa.

3. The Monte Carlo Spa

Shannon: As I remember it we tried the Monte Carlo spa because it was going to be smaller and our experience with the big spa at Bellagio sucked so much we thought a smaller one would be better. Feh.....not so much. I mean it was okay. It was better than the Bellagio but it didn't come anywhere near the Mirage. The whirlpool was super, super small and it felt sort of antiseptic in there like a doctors office or something. It was too damn quiet and there was pretty much nobody really attending at all. I don't even really remember my massage or my masseuse that's how feh it was.

Lezlee: Yeah this is a bit of a blur for me too. Were we on drugs or something I barely remember it? it's all sort of a bluish greenish blur of mosaic tiles or something. I think I had a girl masseuse though and she was pretty good. I remember thinking I was going to start forking out for a longer massage though - it got over way too fast. I think I spent a fair amount of time in the steam and sauna rooms and you never understand that because in the one you are blind and can't see and in the other it just feels like Phoenix on a summer day so that makes no sense to you at all. But I enjoy the warmth and the eucalyptis so I think I liked that part...I only vaguely remember it though so not fabulous.

4. The Spa at the Mandalay Bay

Shannon: This was awesome - great spa, tons of space to sit around on my butt in a big fluffy white robe waiting for a stranger to rub me and free juice. It's all tropical smelling up in there - coconut and citrus or something - pineapple, I don't know, they pipe it in and I take DEEEEEP breaths. Good massage but the whole thing ended badly with you dying on a rattan in the jacuzzi room.

Lezlee: I know, I totally screwed this trip up. But it was still awesome. When I left Phoenix I was just praying I would not get the flu some of the members of my family had and sure enough by day two I had it. This trip I decided I was going to get something more than just a massage at the spa, I scheduled myself for something called Mango Sugar Scrub. It was awesome. They rub sugar all over your body, then wrap you up like a cocoon. Then they turn on a red heat light for a while and leave you to contemplate your rumination in sugar and mango. Then you scoot off to the shower, get the sugar off and then they proceed to massage you with mango-ey lotion. It was lovely. But part way through I realized I was getting really sick. Like deathly ill. I was still enjoying the massage but by the time I was laying by the jacuzzi afterwards, I could barely move. Every muscle in my body was rebelling against my inner wish to just relax and was instead screaming at me to just lay on the cold tile floor and die. So I had to go back up to the room way before I wanted to. I still feel bad about messing this trip up because I love the Mandalay and I loved the Spa there.



5. the Luxor Spa

Shannon: Well, I was a little disappointed that the jacuzzi was ghetto. There were loose mosaic tiles floating in the whirlpool and there were no chairs to relax in that area of the spa which was weird. I've never seen that before. My massage was awesome though. When the chick came to take me away for my massage though I thought I was going to flip the freak out.

Lezlee: Because she told you to call her Pooh-Bear? Is that what did it?!

Shannon: That just about did me IN! I could not even look at you because I thought "oh my crap! did she just ask me to call her POOH BEAR? and I knew I would totally loose it if I even looked your way! and I also thought oh my hell, here we go again with the weirdos!" But in her defense, it was probably one of the best massages I ever had.

Lezlee: The spa was less luxurious than some of the others but I was happy. And Russell my masseuse did an awesome job with my citrus sugar scrub. The only little weirdness about that was that I booked that treatment because I had liked it so much at the Mandalay and then we didn't tell them that we had a preference, male or female on the masseuse. And honestly, most of the time I don't care except the guys seem like they have stronger hands and do a better job sometimes. But anyway, I think because I was so sick when I had the other one I was slightly hallucinating and I think I totally forgot how intimate that massage is. I was slightly uncomfortable because Russell was...hmmm...well I'm not sure what the proper way to say this would be because I don't want to give anyone a wrong impression, but Russell was perhaps getting to know me better than Kirk might have been comfortable with. In Russell's defense he was totally gay and did a great job and did not seem weirded out by my largesse.

Shannon: By your WHAT?

Lezlee: I'm just saying that I'm a plus size girl, this dude is rubbing me all over with sugar and he seemed fine with it and I have to give him kudos for not making me feel awkward in that situation.

So...to put things in perspective:

1. Mirage

2. Mandalay

3. Luxor

4. Monte Carlo

5. Bellagio

In the future we hope to review Paris, the Venetian, New York New York, the MGM grand, and possibly more. We also hope to re-visit our favorites.