Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Nickname Redux

This is Pat's transcription of a recent conversation between Shando and Lucia:

S: "What is Satan Child over there doing?"
L: "I have no idea"
S: "So, I don't get it, why are she and Red Headed Momma even here? Are they cousins with that other little girl or....how are these people related?"
L: "Who?"
S: "Why is Red-Headed Momma always here with Zipper Pant?"
L: "Oh...they're just friends, Zipper Pant is the aunt of the other girl."
S: "So Zipper Pant is the Aunt?"
L: "Zipper Pant is the Aunt."
S: "Of who? I'm confused...of Satan Child?"
L: "No, they're friends...Zipper Pant and Satan Child's mom are friends...Zipper Pant is _______'s aunt.
S: "Titty Dance is the sister to Zipper Pant?"
L: "(laughing)....Do we even know that's what she does?"
S: "Who Titty Dance? Did you see those implants? Did you catch the outfit? Hello! What do you think she does? All those $1 bills she pays with? Yes, safe to assume."
L: "Okay so yes, apparently Zipper Pant and Titty Dance are sisters...no relation to Satan Child."
S: "Glad we got that straight"

Friday, July 11, 2008

Whatcha Been Up To All these Years?

20 years ago I was:
1. Embarking on a Career at Parking Services at Northern Arizona University as part of my 'get rich quick' scheme
2. Living in Communist Housing
3. Nearly Starving to Death but thinking it was all 'oh so romantic' being somewhat newly married and all

10 years ago I was:
1. Buying a House that needed a crap-load of re-hab
2. Doing a crap load of re-hab on my house
3. Was really happy I had recently had my breasts reduced (Lezlee and I became friends when I asked her if she liked her breast reduction. I think I sort of shocked the crap out of her with that question but I convinced her to let me see the scarring and then I said "SOLD!" and scheduled those puppies to be lobbed off).

5 years ago I was:
1. Had a 13 year old boy and that was somewhat TRAUMATIC
2. Trying to go back to school which was also somewhat TRAUMATIC
3. Taking a math class which induced night sweats and was also TRAUMATIC

3 years ago I was:
1. So glad I no longer had a 13 year old boy!
2. Embarked on a new career as a personal high-end shopper/high-end shoe salesperson/ass kisser (unfortunately I should have learned from my many years of selling tuxedo's that it's part of the job when you're dealing with retail and picky people)
3. If you think I had time for anything else besides cleaning my house and running my people, you are wrong!

1 year ago I was:
1. Sick to death of Lezlee Flying BACK AND FORTH to Utah every week.
2. Regretted not going to visit her when she asked (at the time LEHI UTAH did not sound like a vaction....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
3. Realized one of my only vacations was going to be attending a funeral in Kentucky (that doesn't sound like much of a vacation either....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)

This year so far I have:
1. Done a lot more of the same, same, same which is making me koo-koo-ka-roo
2. Complained so much about the same, same, same that Lezlee started FUNDAY thursday (which is sometimes Funday Friday or Funday Wednesday or whatever...basically a day where she invents something for Shando to look foward too)
3. Started something called "Sacrament Fast & Testimony Bingo". It's a big hit. Ask some of the folks from Biltmore Ward (though not the extremely pious members...they are not in the know)

Yesterday I:
1. Worked my booty off at the swim meet with Lezlee
2. Gave my husband the stink-eye at least once
3. Gave my kids/Lezlee and some other random people the stink eye at least once.

Today I will:
1. Go get my hair 'did' with Lezlee and have some Hummus lunch
2. Get really, really annoyed when I realize that the tard situation at Fry's is escalating - now we've got day time 'tards and night time 'tards and not only that, which is resulting in more and more collateral damage on my groceries but one of them helped me to my car with my bags and then spied a box of nutter butter cookies half eaten in the back of my car and he ASKED FOR THEM! And I gave them to him- because it seems like 'tard ettiquette if they ask, you have to give right? And like I said before...God love 'em and all but....good grief!
3. Actually go shopping which I like never, never do.

Tomorrow I will:
1. Do some version of laundry/kids/home office work/sales/shipping/(same same same)
2. See number 1 above
3. See numbers 1 and 2 above

In the next year I will:
1. Spread my special kind of Shando love to mankind
2. Try to be more patient with the 'tard situation (and/or WRITE TO FRY'S and ask them what the heck they are thinking!)
3. Miss my 18 year old like crazy while he's at school, but try not to let on to my husband and just commiserate with Lezlee