Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Are You Kidding Me? That Momma Mia Almost Liked to Have KILLED ME!

Shando has a review of the movie Momma Mia she would like to get off her chest...if you totally adored the movie, you might want to quit reading now...if you haven't gone yet, perhaps we can save you the $9 and the wasted time you'll want back at the end of your life when you realize in horror you spent 2 hours of it in the theatre watching momma mia. The review is more of a Siskell & Ebert (I know, that one dude is dead...but they're the original and so are we) type of review where Shando and I converse about the topic at hand...any swearing is inadvertent, but probably necessary...

Another note of explanation; Shando probably would not have gone to this movie, I talked her into it based on numerous good reviews of friends and acquaintances.

[by now you know the routine, A is for shando (Andy), and P is for Lezlee (Pat)]

P: So we've seen Momma Mia and...well, what would you like to say about it?

A: I would like to say that at some point in the middle of that movie I realized that the Batman movie was playing next door...

P: And you wished we'd gone to that instead?

A: No, I don't even really like Batman - but I was hoping like hell he would bust through that wall and beat the living crap out of everyone on the Mamma Mia screen!

P: Oh....I am SO sorry I suggested we go to that movie. It seemed like it might be just light-hearted fun and I really do secretly like ABBA , and I've always liked Meryl Streep and that blonde girl from Big Love seemed like she might be good...I've got a million reasons why I thought it would be okay but somehow that combination of things plus Pierce Brosnan singing like hell was kind of a -

A: Cluster Foogazey?

P: A cluster foogazey, yes.

A: I mean, you know I already have kind of an issue with musicals sometimes...it's like why in the crap are you singing right now Maria? The Nazi's are coming to get you and you're singing! But you know...I try to keep an open mind. But when grown men are hopping around in brightly colored swim fins and tight scuba suits singing their lungs out, that's where I have to wonder what the hell is going on...

P: It was pretty gay.

A: No it was REALLY gay. I don't get it. You've got all these mormon women saying "oh go! It's wonderful!" Do they not realize it's a thinly disguised GAY movie...it's not even disguised! what am I saying? It's just a totally gay movie.

P: Which...you know, frankly, I don't really care if a bunch of gay guys want to go watch other gay guys dance around to gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...

A: RIGHT but why do I want to watch that? That is not the kind of guy I want to watch!

P: I know...and I can't figure out if some people are not paying close attention in this movie. Colin Firth realizes he's actually gay that night and then talks about it the next day and then towards the end of the movie...

A: You've got that whole end sequence where it looks like a gay "It's Raining Men" rainbow-rama in there!

P: But maybe mormon women don't get that part?

A: How can you not get that? They are dancing around in wet t-shirts with other men! What's not to get!?

P: i know at first I was thinking...what? why are they making Colin Firth gay? What does that even have to do with anything? and then I looked around the theatre and realized...oh right, there's a lot of gay men here, they want them to relate to the movie so it makes sense...

A: It makes sense that the gayest movie ever is a little bit about gay men? Yes! It makes sense!

P: Any straight guy who goes and sees this movie will want to kill his wife/girlfriend.

A: And they will need to go straight to the doctor and receive a testosterone injection.

P: I am so glad I didn't even remotely try to get any male I knew to go.

A: But see that's the thing - my husband would not have gone if I had threatened him.

P: It was kind of funny. I mean not intentionally funny in that way - but it was funny to us. I felt pretty hysterical by the time it was over. I couldn't drag myself away from it because it's like that feeling you have when you are watching a car accident and you know you should turn away but you just can't do it.

A: Oh AND if you do not break out in hysterical crying laughter when an old lady in a Babooska drops her load of sticks she's gathering to join in the festivities and dance away on the dock WITH the gay men...I just don't know how to help you.

P: So anything good to say about the movie?

A: Thank goodness it's over.

P: I do still like ABBA though...but not when Pierce Brosnan is butchering their songs.

A: What on earth was that man thinking? I don't get it at all? Doesn't he want us to remember him as a bad-ass 007? Don't make us remember you singing ABBA off-key!

P: If you want to see a good movie featuring the music of ABBA go see a fabulous little movie called "Muriels Wedding" SOOOO much better.

A: I really like that movie.

P: I love that movie and that movie did right by ABBA.

A: We should totally steer people toward the good movies of the past 20 years.

P: We totally should.

A: And we should make it clear that MAMMA MIA Is not one of them.

P: It should come with a warning label - not for diabetics...will put you in a diabetic coma.

A: Am I a bitter shriveled up old bitty for not liking that movie? Everyone freaking loves that movie!

P: You might be a bitter shriveled up old bitty but I'm with you on this one.

A: That's why you're my best friend. We have to write a blog on that sometime since Cindy seems to have issued a challenge in that department.

P: Okay, this has been long enough for today though.

****If you read through this and you loved Momma Mia...please illucidate us, please help us understand...we just don't get it*****