Monday, June 30, 2008

Snippets of Pat and Andy's Daily Diary Conversations

I can't share them all, but I can share a couple of typical phone conversations, sometimes these conversations involve a lot of surprised laughter on my part:

Pat: "Hello?"

Andy: "Bueno"

Pat: "Bueno...what's up?"

Andy: "I've got that whole Kramer thing at 3 today"

Pat: "You're going to crazy hair at 3?"

Andy: "Indeed, I am going to crazy hair in ku ku land at 3"

Pat: "Good luck with that - not to be confused with the ku ku though right?"

Andy: "oh no, no, no...whole different kind of crazy."

Pat: "Right, okay...what about the old dude?"

Andy: "I know I said 'is that old dude there? Anybody but the crazy? and they said 'no, only the crazy today' - so I'm stuck with that nonsense."

Pat: "Crap."

Andy: "right...."

Pat: "okay...let me know how that goes"

Andy: "K, bye, I'll call you later"

~.!~.!~.!~.! (different conversation, different day)

Pat: "Hey"

Andy: "Hey - calling to make a complaint here"

Pat: "Shoot"

Andy: "Is this the complaint department?"

Pat: "If you're calling it that, then it is."

Andy: "well I'm calling it that and I need to make a complaint"

Pat: "what is the nature of your complaint Ma'am?"

Andy: "I would like to make an official complaint about the calibre of 'tards working at Fry's".

Pat: "You're calling to make a 'tard complaint?!"

Andy: "Yes!"

Pat: "Go Ahead"

Andy: "The 'tards aren't same level of 'tard as they are at Celebrity Safeway and I think that's just wrong - I don't want to be forced to shop at the more expensive Celebrity Safeway just so I can get a decent bagger to load me up."

Pat: "So specifically there's a bad 'tard at Fry's?"

Andy: " I just had a bunch of groceries ruined up in there and they have really bad tard management and somehow Celebrity Safeway, probably because their customers won't tolerate that nonsense, has not a 'hire any handicap' policy, but a 'hire a non-jacked up handicap' policy and I would really like it if Fry's would adopt that policy as well so I could keep shopping at the cheaper store."

Pat: "Maybe it's cheaper because of policies like that - it might be more expensive to hire the higher quality 'tards right? With vocations skills and all? You maybe have to pay them more right?"

Andy: "I know...and God love 'em and all but.....DAMN.

Pat: "I know. Complaint Duly Registered."

Andy: "K - bye"

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Official Shando Spa Review

(another conversation with Pat (Lezlee) and Andy (Shando) wherein Andy relatees thoughts and feelings regarding the spas of Las Vegas, and Pat tries to translate those thoughts into easily discernible cogent information)
P: Okay so Shan we are going to do a review of all the spas we've been to in Vegas - maybe someone would actually care or want our advice and then they could decide on a spa visit based on our fabulous info and review.
A: I thought we were going to write a book? Aren't you giving information away for free that we were going to get paid to write?
P: Well, since we've never written it down, submitted it to a publisher, or been approached by an agent who would like us to write it, I thought maybe we should just go ahead and get the info out there.
A: We're not going to get paid, but we're going to do a bunch of work for free so people on the internet can read about where we went?
P: Right
A: We're going to say which ones are junked up right?
P: Right
A: Okay - so....what do you want me to say - some of them are junked up and some of them are not.
P: Okay well do you want to rank them or start in order of which one we went to first or....
A: How am I suppose to remember what order we went to them in? I have Alzheimers.
P: You probably shouldn't make that joke - I think maybe some people won't think it's very funny and after all your dad did have Alzheimers...
A: So you think my dad cares if I make a joke about Alzheimers?
P: Well, I dont know...
S: My dad is gone, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't care!
P: Okay let's just go through each one and we'll each give our own thoughts.
S: But you're going to write my thoughts right? Because I can give you my thoughts but I have a day job you know, I can't be spending a bunch of time typing my thoughts!

(following is a review of each spa - one from Shando, one from Lezlee)

1. The Spa at the Mirage
From Shando: This spa made me feel like I was a greek goddess or something. Floating in the jacuzzi waiting for my swedish massage while underlings fetched me fruit smoothies and implored me to put cold cucumbers on my eyes while I drip an ice cold washcloth over my skin? What more can I ask for? This spa was damn near perfect. The only tiny weirdness was I had some giant german female masseuse who was pretty scary.

From Lezlee: Free smoothies, free fruit and juice and a plethora of other goodies - a great massage, and a room filled with romanesque baths, jacuzzi's and very attentive staff made me totally okay with floating in a large whirlpool nekid. Totally decadent. Plus in the showers they had AVEDA products - and Aveda mint body wash has always reminded me of this spa ever since. I wanted to stay forever.

2. The spa at the Bellagio
Shan: I thought this spa was going to be so classy and decadent and everything a spa is suppose to be and it was NOT. I was PISSED. First of all the attendants were snotty or snooty or whatever you want to call them, second the whole place felt completely crowded and like we were all in on some gigantic naked cattle call or something. The damn jacuzzi is in the middle of the entire spa so if you wanted to get in a relax it was impossible. How am I suppose to relax naked when I've got twenty people per minute being shuttled in out of of the 12 entrances and exits to this room. When I go wait for my massage it turns out my masseuse is a reallllly pathetic weird little dude with a U head. Now why in the crap do I always get the U heads? Just like the time I went to Hawaii and the only guy on the beach flirting with me was a U head! And the U Head dude did not do a good massage and knew that would happen because that was totally my luck that day. I could just feel that everything was going downhill fast. The waiting room to get your massage was totally full to the brim and the whole experience was just wholly unsatisfying and irritating. The only good part was when I talked the hotel into a room upgrade on a future visit because it was so darn irritating.
Lezlee: Agreed. The Bellagio spa did not live up to the Bellagio reputation at all. Ditto to the whole jacuzzi being in the middle of the room thing - highly irritating. My masseuse was okay though. Shannon has often noted that if one of us is going to get a weird masseuse it's going to be her. I don't know why. This same phenomenon happens when we get pedicures too. She always gets the old korean lady with the lazy eye while I get the 20 year old girl. My masseuse was kind of cute, but very gay. Good massage, bad spa.

3. The Monte Carlo Spa

Shannon: As I remember it we tried the Monte Carlo spa because it was going to be smaller and our experience with the big spa at Bellagio sucked so much we thought a smaller one would be better. Feh.....not so much. I mean it was okay. It was better than the Bellagio but it didn't come anywhere near the Mirage. The whirlpool was super, super small and it felt sort of antiseptic in there like a doctors office or something. It was too damn quiet and there was pretty much nobody really attending at all. I don't even really remember my massage or my masseuse that's how feh it was.
Lezlee: Yeah this is a bit of a blur for me too. Were we on drugs or something I barely remember it? it's all sort of a bluish greenish blur of mosaic tiles or something. I think I had a girl masseuse though and she was pretty good. I remember thinking I was going to start forking out for a longer massage though - it got over way too fast. I think I spent a fair amount of time in the steam and sauna rooms and you never understand that because in the one you are blind and can't see and in the other it just feels like Phoenix on a summer day so that makes no sense to you at all. But I enjoy the warmth and the eucalyptis so I think I liked that part...I only vaguely remember it though so not fabulous.

4. The Spa at the Mandalay Bay

Shannon: This was awesome - great spa, tons of space to sit around on my butt in a big fluffy white robe waiting for a stranger to rub me and free juice. It's all tropical smelling up in there - coconut and citrus or something - pineapple, I don't know, they pipe it in and I take DEEEEEP breaths. Good massage but the whole thing ended badly with you dying on a rattan in the jacuzzi room.

Lezlee: I know, I totally screwed this trip up. But it was still awesome. When I left Phoenix I was just praying I would not get the flu some of the members of my family had and sure enough by day two I had it. This trip I decided I was going to get something more than just a massage at the spa, I scheduled myself for something called Mango Sugar Scrub. It was awesome. They rub sugar all over your body, then wrap you up like a cocoon. Then they turn on a red heat light for a while and leave you to contemplate your rumination in sugar and mango. Then you scoot off to the shower, get the sugar off and then they proceed to massage you with mango-ey lotion. It was lovely. But part way through I realized I was getting really sick. Like deathly ill. I was still enjoying the massage but by the time I was laying by the jacuzzi afterwards, I could barely move. Every muscle in my body was rebelling against my inner wish to just relax and was instead screaming at me to just lay on the cold tile floor and die. So I had to go back up to the room way before I wanted to. I still feel bad about messing this trip up because I love the Mandalay and I loved the Spa there.

5. the Luxor Spa

Shannon: Well, I was a little disappointed that the jacuzzi was ghetto. There were loose mosaic tiles floating in the whirlpool and there were no chairs to relax in that area of the spa which was weird. I've never seen that before. My massage was awesome though. When the chick came to take me away for my massage though I thought I was going to flip the freak out.

Lezlee: Because she told you to call her Pooh-Bear? Is that what did it?!

Shannon: That just about did me IN! I could not even look at you because I thought "oh my crap! did she just ask me to call her POOH BEAR? and I knew I would totally loose it if I even looked your way! and I also thought oh my hell, here we go again with the weirdos!" But in her defense, it was probably one of the best massages I ever had.

Lezlee: The spa was less luxurious than some of the others but I was happy. And Russell my masseuse did an awesome job with my citrus sugar scrub. The only little weirdness about that was that I booked that treatment because I had liked it so much at the Mandalay and then we didn't tell them that we had a preference, male or female on the masseuse. And honestly, most of the time I don't care except the guys seem like they have stronger hands and do a better job sometimes. But anyway, I think because I was so sick when I had the other one I was slightly hallucinating and I think I totally forgot how intimate that massage is. I was slightly uncomfortable because Russell was...hmmm...well I'm not sure what the proper way to say this would be because I don't want to give anyone a wrong impression, but Russell was perhaps getting to know me better than Kirk might have been comfortable with. In Russell's defense he was totally gay and did a great job and did not seem weirded out by my largesse.

Shannon: By your WHAT?

Lezlee: I'm just saying that I'm a plus size girl, this dude is rubbing me all over with sugar and he seemed fine with it and I have to give him kudos for not making me feel awkward in that situation. put things in perspective:
1. Mirage
2. Mandalay
3. Luxor
4. Monte Carlo
5. Bellagio

In the future we hope to review Paris, the Venetian, New York New York, the MGM grand, and possibly more. We also hope to re-visit our favorites.

Monday, June 9, 2008


a conversation between Pat and Andy (Shando & Bandanamom):

P: Shando? I was thinking that we should do a blog on your most embarassing moment - I've been trying to get to that for a while. Do you have one?

A: My life is an embarassing moment so it's hard to isolate one...

P: Like what?

A: I don't know. I constantly have my foot in my mouth does that count? I have permanent foot in mouth disease.

P: Is that an equine disease?


P: It was a know, like 'hoof and mouth'?

A: Are you calling me a HORSE?

P: Dude. Chill, I am not calling you horse...though with your nostrils flaring like that...

A: You are going to make me look like a jerk again in this blog aren't you?

P: No, I am just trying to give the people what they want - I am just trying to give them a little taste of the Shando I experience everyday...

A: I don't think people want to taste that really...

P: So...No specific embarassing moment just a general sense of embarassment on a regular basis?

A: Let me think about it minute.......hey did you I tell you about Quadra boob and her dumb dork of a husband?

P: No. I did not realize Quadra Boob was still around. In fact, I sort of forgot about her. Do you realize you have nicknames for almost everyone? Do you have a nickname for me?

A: No...not really. I don't have nicknames for that many people.

P: Uh...yeah you do.

A: Like who?

P: Dumb & Dumber, Quadra Boob, Hitler, & Her Hair (otherwise known as "the dish")...any of this starting to sound familiar?

A: Everyone does that.

P: Sometimes I think we should start a little Shando thesauras to figure out who you are talking about when you use these names. I should start a list.

A: Okay start a list...I'll try to remember my names for people.

The following is an non-comprehensive list:

The Mute
The Irish Travelers
Queen of Sheeba
The Sister Wives
Tweedly Dee with the Mini Keg
Brother Sushi
Gorilla Baby
Potato Baby
Satan (which is used to refer to at least two seperate people)
The Mad Cows
Hot Topic
The Hanger-On-Er
The Donald
Catholic Kyle
Super Dave

P: You know, when I look at that list I have to say that the vast majority of those people did not get those nicknames by getting on your good side - with the possible exception of Super Dave and Stretch. Most of the time you create a nickname when you have a specific sort of irritation for a person. Which is kind of interesting. Why do you think you do that?

A: Is this going to be one of those analyze Shannon conversations?

P: Not exactly... I just think it's interesting. Because the process does seem rather organic when you come up with these names and it does seem that you...

A: Because if it's going to be one of those conversations I can come up with a nickname for you really quick if you want...

P: Oh...okay what's that?

A: Psychobable.

P: what did you want to tell me about Quadraboob?