(as per usual, the following is conversation between Andy & the loyal secretary Pat).
A: I have complaint to register.
A: PLEASE cease and desist with the cupcakes on your blogs!
P: Uh...okay sorry. I did not realize it was such a big issue. Can't we just celebrate a world with cupcakes and be happy they exist even though, currently, we are not eating them?
A: NO! I want to put my fingers in my ears and hide my eyes and pretend that cupcakes do not exist!
P: Okay well...I mean, they do, in fact, exist and I'm not altogether sure if a successful dieting technique is one in which an individual pretends that food doesn't exist - I mean eventually it seems that person would realize that in fact, it does exist, and if the only thing that was keeping you from eating it was imaging that the existence of cupcakes had gone the way of childhood beliefs like the Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy...well...I mean we can have a whole existential argument about whether anything really exists, I got an 'A' in Philosophy 101 and my husband was a philosophy major so I'm capable of having that discussion if you want...I wrote a whole thesis paper on sticking my hand into a fire and if I feel the burn does the fire exist or not and I made a pretty successful argument that it does, in fact, perhaps, not exist but...
A: WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I just don't want to have to think about cupcakes and other foods I can't have day and night and you're talking about friggin' Kierkegaard or something!
P: Well no, not really Kierkegaard but...
A: I don't even know who in the hell Kierkegaard is, I just pulled that out of my butt - whatever! The point is I would really appreciate it if you would quit posting photos of delicious looking cupcakes all over my internet!
P: It's your internet now? Because that's an interesting turn of events...
A: Whatever, don't start psychoanalyzing everything I say now! You know what I mean. Can you just quit with the cupcakes already?
P: I'll try.
A: Pretty please & Thank you?
P: Ok. But let's talk about what your quirky deal with food is these days.
A: What quirky deal with food?
P: I don't know, your recent inability to eat anything since you went on a diet and your Lunch Meat Phobia.
A: Lunch meat phobia? It's not a phobia...
P: No? what did you tell me earlier about lunch meat - specifically roast beef?
A: It's kind of creepy.
P: You're right. That sounds like totally normal and well adjusted thinking.
A: Look I just don't like it, and I don't like that meat in any of it's various FORMS is such a mainstay of this diet. It groddies me out.
P: I love that word.
P: Yeah, it's such a great 80s word isn't it? So what you're saying is that meat in any of it's various forms gives you the huuge.
P: And so you've decided to become a 'meat anorexic' as a result? Which on this diet basically means you've decided to become an anorexic, correct?
A: No, it doesn't mean that! I could tear up any kind of carbs you could throw in front of me right now!
P: But you're not eating carbs right?
A: Right. But I'm fantasizing about carbs! Which is why I am asking you to quit torturing me with the cupcake photos. I had to banish Paula Dean off my TV today because she was yammering on in her buttery southern drawl about "Monkey Bread" and I could just not tolerate another minute of that water-boarding.
P: Monkey Bread? What the hell is that?
A: Are you kidding? It's delicious dough dipped in copious amounts of butter and sugar and cinnamon and layered in a bunt pan and then layered in more butter. It is the very meaning of life practically. How do you not know this!?
P: I don't know, you were going on about Amish Friendship Bread the other day and I didn't know what that was either.
A: Amish Friendship Bread is love. It is joy. It is life. Bread is...my world.
P: I know. You really dig the bread.
A: Hence my 'loaf'!
P: Look, I'm familiar with having a 'loaf' as well...otherwise I couldn't have just lost 90 pounds. One does not lose 90 pounds without being familiar with the parable of the loaf. But back to your meat phobia...
A: I'm not phobic. I'm just currently grossed out by the chewy stringy condensed boily ground with spit quality of meat right now.
P: You just made meat sound so delicious I'm going to go get me some lunch meat.
A: You're a sick person.
P: Talk to you later.