Are You Kidding Me? That Momma Mia Almost Liked to Have KILLED ME!

Shando has a review of the movie Momma Mia she would like to get off her chest...if you totally adored the movie, you might want to quit reading now...if you haven't gone yet, perhaps we can save you the $9 and the wasted time you'll want back at the end of your life when you realize in horror you spent 2 hours of it in the theatre watching momma mia. The review is more of a Siskell & Ebert (I know, that one dude is dead...but they're the original and so are we) type of review where Shando and I converse about the topic at hand...any swearing is inadvertent, but probably necessary...

Another note of explanation; Shando probably would not have gone to this movie, I talked her into it based on numerous good reviews of friends and acquaintances.

[by now you know the routine, A is for shando (Andy), and P is for Lezlee (Pat)]

P: So we've seen Momma Mia and...well, what would you like to say about it?

A: I would like to say that at some point in the middle of that movie I realized that the Batman movie was playing next door...

P: And you wished we'd gone to that instead?

A: No, I don't even really like Batman - but I was hoping like hell he would bust through that wall and beat the living crap out of everyone on the Mamma Mia screen!

P: Oh....I am SO sorry I suggested we go to that movie. It seemed like it might be just light-hearted fun and I really do secretly like ABBA , and I've always liked Meryl Streep and that blonde girl from Big Love seemed like she might be good...I've got a million reasons why I thought it would be okay but somehow that combination of things plus Pierce Brosnan singing like hell was kind of a -

A: Cluster Foogazey?

P: A cluster foogazey, yes.

A: I mean, you know I already have kind of an issue with musicals sometimes...it's like why in the crap are you singing right now Maria? The Nazi's are coming to get you and you're singing! But you know...I try to keep an open mind. But when grown men are hopping around in brightly colored swim fins and tight scuba suits singing their lungs out, that's where I have to wonder what the hell is going on...

P: It was pretty gay.

A: No it was REALLY gay. I don't get it. You've got all these mormon women saying "oh go! It's wonderful!" Do they not realize it's a thinly disguised GAY movie...it's not even disguised! what am I saying? It's just a totally gay movie.

P: Which...you know, frankly, I don't really care if a bunch of gay guys want to go watch other gay guys dance around to gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...

A: RIGHT but why do I want to watch that? That is not the kind of guy I want to watch!

P: I know...and I can't figure out if some people are not paying close attention in this movie. Colin Firth realizes he's actually gay that night and then talks about it the next day and then towards the end of the movie...

A: You've got that whole end sequence where it looks like a gay "It's Raining Men" rainbow-rama in there!

P: But maybe mormon women don't get that part?

A: How can you not get that? They are dancing around in wet t-shirts with other men! What's not to get!?

P: i know at first I was thinking...what? why are they making Colin Firth gay? What does that even have to do with anything? and then I looked around the theatre and realized...oh right, there's a lot of gay men here, they want them to relate to the movie so it makes sense...

A: It makes sense that the gayest movie ever is a little bit about gay men? Yes! It makes sense!

P: Any straight guy who goes and sees this movie will want to kill his wife/girlfriend.

A: And they will need to go straight to the doctor and receive a testosterone injection.

P: I am so glad I didn't even remotely try to get any male I knew to go.

A: But see that's the thing - my husband would not have gone if I had threatened him.

P: It was kind of funny. I mean not intentionally funny in that way - but it was funny to us. I felt pretty hysterical by the time it was over. I couldn't drag myself away from it because it's like that feeling you have when you are watching a car accident and you know you should turn away but you just can't do it.

A: Oh AND if you do not break out in hysterical crying laughter when an old lady in a Babooska drops her load of sticks she's gathering to join in the festivities and dance away on the dock WITH the gay men...I just don't know how to help you.

P: So anything good to say about the movie?

A: Thank goodness it's over.

P: I do still like ABBA though...but not when Pierce Brosnan is butchering their songs.

A: What on earth was that man thinking? I don't get it at all? Doesn't he want us to remember him as a bad-ass 007? Don't make us remember you singing ABBA off-key!

P: If you want to see a good movie featuring the music of ABBA go see a fabulous little movie called "Muriels Wedding" SOOOO much better.

A: I really like that movie.

P: I love that movie and that movie did right by ABBA.

A: We should totally steer people toward the good movies of the past 20 years.

P: We totally should.

A: And we should make it clear that MAMMA MIA Is not one of them.

P: It should come with a warning label - not for diabetics...will put you in a diabetic coma.

A: Am I a bitter shriveled up old bitty for not liking that movie? Everyone freaking loves that movie!

P: You might be a bitter shriveled up old bitty but I'm with you on this one.

A: That's why you're my best friend. We have to write a blog on that sometime since Cindy seems to have issued a challenge in that department.

P: Okay, this has been long enough for today though.


****If you read through this and you loved Momma Mia...please illucidate us, please help us understand...we just don't get it*****

Nickname Redux

This is Pat's transcription of a recent conversation between Shando and Lucia:


S: "What is Satan Child over there doing?"
L: "I have no idea"
S: "So, I don't get it, why are she and Red Headed Momma even here? Are they cousins with that other little girl or....how are these people related?"
L: "Who?"
S: "Why is Red-Headed Momma always here with Zipper Pant?"
L: "Oh...they're just friends, Zipper Pant is the aunt of the other girl."
S: "So Zipper Pant is the Aunt?"
L: "Zipper Pant is the Aunt."
S: "Of who? I'm confused...of Satan Child?"
L: "No, they're friends...Zipper Pant and Satan Child's mom are friends...Zipper Pant is _______'s aunt.
S: "Titty Dance is the sister to Zipper Pant?"
L: "(laughing)....Do we even know that's what she does?"
S: "Who Titty Dance? Did you see those implants? Did you catch the outfit? Hello! What do you think she does? All those $1 bills she pays with? Yes, safe to assume."
L: "Okay so yes, apparently Zipper Pant and Titty Dance are sisters...no relation to Satan Child."
S: "Glad we got that straight"

Whatcha Been Up To All these Years?

20 years ago I was:
1. Embarking on a Career at Parking Services at Northern Arizona University as part of my 'get rich quick' scheme
2. Living in Communist Housing
3. Nearly Starving to Death but thinking it was all 'oh so romantic' being somewhat newly married and all

10 years ago I was:
1. Buying a House that needed a crap-load of re-hab
2. Doing a crap load of re-hab on my house
3. Was really happy I had recently had my breasts reduced (Lezlee and I became friends when I asked her if she liked her breast reduction. I think I sort of shocked the crap out of her with that question but I convinced her to let me see the scarring and then I said "SOLD!" and scheduled those puppies to be lobbed off).

5 years ago I was:
1. Had a 13 year old boy and that was somewhat TRAUMATIC
2. Trying to go back to school which was also somewhat TRAUMATIC
3. Taking a math class which induced night sweats and was also TRAUMATIC

3 years ago I was:
1. So glad I no longer had a 13 year old boy!
2. Embarked on a new career as a personal high-end shopper/high-end shoe salesperson/ass kisser (unfortunately I should have learned from my many years of selling tuxedo's that it's part of the job when you're dealing with retail and picky people)
3. If you think I had time for anything else besides cleaning my house and running my people, you are wrong!

1 year ago I was:
1. Sick to death of Lezlee Flying BACK AND FORTH to Utah every week.
2. Regretted not going to visit her when she asked (at the time LEHI UTAH did not sound like a vaction....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
3. Realized one of my only vacations was going to be attending a funeral in Kentucky (that doesn't sound like much of a vacation either....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)

This year so far I have:
1. Done a lot more of the same, same, same which is making me koo-koo-ka-roo
2. Complained so much about the same, same, same that Lezlee started FUNDAY thursday (which is sometimes Funday Friday or Funday Wednesday or whatever...basically a day where she invents something for Shando to look foward too)
3. Started something called "Sacrament Fast & Testimony Bingo". It's a big hit. Ask some of the folks from Biltmore Ward (though not the extremely pious members...they are not in the know)

Yesterday I:
1. Worked my booty off at the swim meet with Lezlee
2. Gave my husband the stink-eye at least once
3. Gave my kids/Lezlee and some other random people the stink eye at least once.

Today I will:
1. Go get my hair 'did' with Lezlee and have some Hummus lunch
2. Get really, really annoyed when I realize that the tard situation at Fry's is escalating - now we've got day time 'tards and night time 'tards and not only that, which is resulting in more and more collateral damage on my groceries but one of them helped me to my car with my bags and then spied a box of nutter butter cookies half eaten in the back of my car and he ASKED FOR THEM! And I gave them to him- because it seems like 'tard ettiquette if they ask, you have to give right? And like I said before...God love 'em and all but....good grief!
3. Actually go shopping which I like never, never do.

Tomorrow I will:
1. Do some version of laundry/kids/home office work/sales/shipping/(same same same)
2. See number 1 above
3. See numbers 1 and 2 above

In the next year I will:
1. Spread my special kind of Shando love to mankind
2. Try to be more patient with the 'tard situation (and/or WRITE TO FRY'S and ask them what the heck they are thinking!)
3. Miss my 18 year old like crazy while he's at school, but try not to let on to my husband and just commiserate with Lezlee

Snippets of Pat and Andy's Daily Diary Conversations

I can't share them all, but I can share a couple of typical phone conversations, sometimes these conversations involve a lot of surprised laughter on my part:

Pat: "Hello?"

Andy: "Bueno"

Pat: "Bueno...what's up?"

Andy: "I've got that whole Kramer thing at 3 today"

Pat: "You're going to crazy hair at 3?"

Andy: "Indeed, I am going to crazy hair in ku ku land at 3"

Pat: "Good luck with that - not to be confused with the ku ku though right?"

Andy: "oh no, no, no...whole different kind of crazy."

Pat: "Right, okay...what about the old dude?"

Andy: "I know I said 'is that old dude there? Anybody but the crazy? and they said 'no, only the crazy today' - so I'm stuck with that nonsense."

Pat: "Crap."

Andy: "right...."

Pat: "okay...let me know how that goes"

Andy: "K, bye, I'll call you later"


~.!~.!~.!~.! (different conversation, different day)

Pat: "Hey"

Andy: "Hey - calling to make a complaint here"

Pat: "Shoot"

Andy: "Is this the complaint department?"

Pat: "If you're calling it that, then it is."

Andy: "well I'm calling it that and I need to make a complaint"

Pat: "what is the nature of your complaint Ma'am?"

Andy: "I would like to make an official complaint about the calibre of 'tards working at Fry's".

Pat: "You're calling to make a 'tard complaint?!"

Andy: "Yes!"

Pat: "Go Ahead"

Andy: "The 'tards aren't same level of 'tard as they are at Celebrity Safeway and I think that's just wrong - I don't want to be forced to shop at the more expensive Celebrity Safeway just so I can get a decent bagger to load me up."

Pat: "So specifically there's a bad 'tard at Fry's?"

Andy: " I just had a bunch of groceries ruined up in there and they have really bad tard management and somehow Celebrity Safeway, probably because their customers won't tolerate that nonsense, has not a 'hire any handicap' policy, but a 'hire a non-jacked up handicap' policy and I would really like it if Fry's would adopt that policy as well so I could keep shopping at the cheaper store."

Pat: "Maybe it's cheaper because of policies like that - it might be more expensive to hire the higher quality 'tards right? With vocations skills and all? You maybe have to pay them more right?"

Andy: "I know...and God love 'em and all but.....DAMN.

Pat: "I know. Complaint Duly Registered."

Andy: "K - bye"

The Official Shando Spa Review

(another conversation with Pat (Lezlee) and Andy (Shando) wherein Andy relatees thoughts and feelings regarding the spas of Las Vegas, and Pat tries to translate those thoughts into easily discernible cogent information)

P: Okay so Shan we are going to do a review of all the spas we've been to in Vegas - maybe someone would actually care or want our advice and then they could decide on a spa visit based on our fabulous info and review.

A: I thought we were going to write a book? Aren't you giving information away for free that we were going to get paid to write?

P: Well, since we've never written it down, submitted it to a publisher, or been approached by an agent who would like us to write it, I thought maybe we should just go ahead and get the info out there.

A: We're not going to get paid, but we're going to do a bunch of work for free so people on the internet can read about where we went?

P: Right

A: We're going to say which ones are junked up right?

P: Right

A: Okay - so....what do you want me to say - some of them are junked up and some of them are not.

P: Okay well do you want to rank them or start in order of which one we went to first or....

A: How am I suppose to remember what order we went to them in? I have Alzheimers.

P: You probably shouldn't make that joke - I think maybe some people won't think it's very funny and after all your dad did have Alzheimers...

A: So you think my dad cares if I make a joke about Alzheimers?

P: Well, I dont know...

S: My dad is gone, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't care!

P: Okay let's just go through each one and we'll each give our own thoughts.

S: But you're going to write my thoughts right? Because I can give you my thoughts but I have a day job you know, I can't be spending a bunch of time typing my thoughts!

(following is a review of each spa - one from Shando, one from Lezlee)

1. The Spa at the Mirage

From Shando: This spa made me feel like I was a greek goddess or something. Floating in the jacuzzi waiting for my swedish massage while underlings fetched me fruit smoothies and implored me to put cold cucumbers on my eyes while I drip an ice cold washcloth over my skin? What more can I ask for? This spa was damn near perfect. The only tiny weirdness was I had some giant german female masseuse who was pretty scary.

From Lezlee: Free smoothies, free fruit and juice and a plethora of other goodies - a great massage, and a room filled with romanesque baths, jacuzzi's and very attentive staff made me totally okay with floating in a large whirlpool nekid. Totally decadent. Plus in the showers they had AVEDA products - and Aveda mint body wash has always reminded me of this spa ever since. I wanted to stay forever.

2. The spa at the Bellagio

Shan: I thought this spa was going to be so classy and decadent and everything a spa is suppose to be and it was NOT. I was PISSED. First of all the attendants were snotty or snooty or whatever you want to call them, second the whole place felt completely crowded and like we were all in on some gigantic naked cattle call or something. The damn jacuzzi is in the middle of the entire spa so if you wanted to get in a relax it was impossible. How am I suppose to relax naked when I've got twenty people per minute being shuttled in out of of the 12 entrances and exits to this room. When I go wait for my massage it turns out my masseuse is a reallllly pathetic weird little dude with a U head. Now why in the crap do I always get the U heads? Just like the time I went to Hawaii and the only guy on the beach flirting with me was a U head! And the U Head dude did not do a good massage and knew that would happen because that was totally my luck that day. I could just feel that everything was going downhill fast. The waiting room to get your massage was totally full to the brim and the whole experience was just wholly unsatisfying and irritating. The only good part was when I talked the hotel into a room upgrade on a future visit because it was so darn irritating.

Lezlee: Agreed. The Bellagio spa did not live up to the Bellagio reputation at all. Ditto to the whole jacuzzi being in the middle of the room thing - highly irritating. My masseuse was okay though. Shannon has often noted that if one of us is going to get a weird masseuse it's going to be her. I don't know why. This same phenomenon happens when we get pedicures too. She always gets the old korean lady with the lazy eye while I get the 20 year old girl. My masseuse was kind of cute, but very gay. Good massage, bad spa.

3. The Monte Carlo Spa

Shannon: As I remember it we tried the Monte Carlo spa because it was going to be smaller and our experience with the big spa at Bellagio sucked so much we thought a smaller one would be better. Feh.....not so much. I mean it was okay. It was better than the Bellagio but it didn't come anywhere near the Mirage. The whirlpool was super, super small and it felt sort of antiseptic in there like a doctors office or something. It was too damn quiet and there was pretty much nobody really attending at all. I don't even really remember my massage or my masseuse that's how feh it was.

Lezlee: Yeah this is a bit of a blur for me too. Were we on drugs or something I barely remember it? it's all sort of a bluish greenish blur of mosaic tiles or something. I think I had a girl masseuse though and she was pretty good. I remember thinking I was going to start forking out for a longer massage though - it got over way too fast. I think I spent a fair amount of time in the steam and sauna rooms and you never understand that because in the one you are blind and can't see and in the other it just feels like Phoenix on a summer day so that makes no sense to you at all. But I enjoy the warmth and the eucalyptis so I think I liked that part...I only vaguely remember it though so not fabulous.

4. The Spa at the Mandalay Bay

Shannon: This was awesome - great spa, tons of space to sit around on my butt in a big fluffy white robe waiting for a stranger to rub me and free juice. It's all tropical smelling up in there - coconut and citrus or something - pineapple, I don't know, they pipe it in and I take DEEEEEP breaths. Good massage but the whole thing ended badly with you dying on a rattan in the jacuzzi room.

Lezlee: I know, I totally screwed this trip up. But it was still awesome. When I left Phoenix I was just praying I would not get the flu some of the members of my family had and sure enough by day two I had it. This trip I decided I was going to get something more than just a massage at the spa, I scheduled myself for something called Mango Sugar Scrub. It was awesome. They rub sugar all over your body, then wrap you up like a cocoon. Then they turn on a red heat light for a while and leave you to contemplate your rumination in sugar and mango. Then you scoot off to the shower, get the sugar off and then they proceed to massage you with mango-ey lotion. It was lovely. But part way through I realized I was getting really sick. Like deathly ill. I was still enjoying the massage but by the time I was laying by the jacuzzi afterwards, I could barely move. Every muscle in my body was rebelling against my inner wish to just relax and was instead screaming at me to just lay on the cold tile floor and die. So I had to go back up to the room way before I wanted to. I still feel bad about messing this trip up because I love the Mandalay and I loved the Spa there.



5. the Luxor Spa

Shannon: Well, I was a little disappointed that the jacuzzi was ghetto. There were loose mosaic tiles floating in the whirlpool and there were no chairs to relax in that area of the spa which was weird. I've never seen that before. My massage was awesome though. When the chick came to take me away for my massage though I thought I was going to flip the freak out.

Lezlee: Because she told you to call her Pooh-Bear? Is that what did it?!

Shannon: That just about did me IN! I could not even look at you because I thought "oh my crap! did she just ask me to call her POOH BEAR? and I knew I would totally loose it if I even looked your way! and I also thought oh my hell, here we go again with the weirdos!" But in her defense, it was probably one of the best massages I ever had.

Lezlee: The spa was less luxurious than some of the others but I was happy. And Russell my masseuse did an awesome job with my citrus sugar scrub. The only little weirdness about that was that I booked that treatment because I had liked it so much at the Mandalay and then we didn't tell them that we had a preference, male or female on the masseuse. And honestly, most of the time I don't care except the guys seem like they have stronger hands and do a better job sometimes. But anyway, I think because I was so sick when I had the other one I was slightly hallucinating and I think I totally forgot how intimate that massage is. I was slightly uncomfortable because Russell was...hmmm...well I'm not sure what the proper way to say this would be because I don't want to give anyone a wrong impression, but Russell was perhaps getting to know me better than Kirk might have been comfortable with. In Russell's defense he was totally gay and did a great job and did not seem weirded out by my largesse.

Shannon: By your WHAT?

Lezlee: I'm just saying that I'm a plus size girl, this dude is rubbing me all over with sugar and he seemed fine with it and I have to give him kudos for not making me feel awkward in that situation.

So...to put things in perspective:

1. Mirage

2. Mandalay

3. Luxor

4. Monte Carlo

5. Bellagio

In the future we hope to review Paris, the Venetian, New York New York, the MGM grand, and possibly more. We also hope to re-visit our favorites.

Psychobables

a conversation between Pat and Andy (Shando & Bandanamom):

P: Shando? I was thinking that we should do a blog on your most embarassing moment - I've been trying to get to that for a while. Do you have one?

A: My life is an embarassing moment so it's hard to isolate one...

P: Like what?

A: I don't know. I constantly have my foot in my mouth does that count? I have permanent foot in mouth disease.

P: Is that an equine disease?

A: A WHAT?

P: It was a joke...you know, like 'hoof and mouth'?

A: Are you calling me a HORSE?

P: Dude. Chill, I am not calling you horse...though with your nostrils flaring like that...

A: You are going to make me look like a jerk again in this blog aren't you?

P: No, I am just trying to give the people what they want - I am just trying to give them a little taste of the Shando I experience everyday...

A: I don't think people want to taste that really...

P: So...No specific embarassing moment just a general sense of embarassment on a regular basis?

A: Let me think about it minute.......hey did you I tell you about Quadra boob and her dumb dork of a husband?

P: No. I did not realize Quadra Boob was still around. In fact, I sort of forgot about her. Do you realize you have nicknames for almost everyone? Do you have a nickname for me?

A: No...not really. I don't have nicknames for that many people.

P: Uh...yeah you do.

A: Like who?

P: Dumb & Dumber, Quadra Boob, Hitler, & Her Hair (otherwise known as "the dish")...any of this starting to sound familiar?

A: Everyone does that.

P: Sometimes I think we should start a little Shando thesauras to figure out who you are talking about when you use these names. I should start a list.

A: Okay start a list...I'll try to remember my names for people.

The following is an non-comprehensive list:

The Mute
Picasso
The Irish Travelers
Queen of Sheeba
Grandma
The Sister Wives
Tweedly Dee with the Mini Keg
Tsunami
Brother Sushi
Gorilla Baby
Potato Baby
Satan (which is used to refer to at least two seperate people)
The Mad Cows
Hot Topic
The Hanger-On-Er
The Donald
Catholic Kyle
Evita
Princess
Super Dave
Stretch

P: You know, when I look at that list I have to say that the vast majority of those people did not get those nicknames by getting on your good side - with the possible exception of Super Dave and Stretch. Most of the time you create a nickname when you have a specific sort of irritation for a person. Which is kind of interesting. Why do you think you do that?

A: Is this going to be one of those analyze Shannon conversations?

P: Not exactly... I just think it's interesting. Because the process does seem rather organic when you come up with these names and it does seem that you...

A: Because if it's going to be one of those conversations I can come up with a nickname for you really quick if you want...

P: Oh...okay what's that?

A: Psychobable.

P: Uh...so what did you want to tell me about Quadraboob?

Shando Rando

You know the thing where you go to deviantart.com and you type in the answer to the really basic questions and then you post the answers as photos? Well I thought that would be easy for Shando. Well, not easy for Shando because Shando never really has to do anything at all. But easy for me to do for Shando. But let me back up a minute...

Everyone once in a while Shando says things like "you need to get on writing me a new blog". Or, "There's been no new entry on my blog for a while you need to get on that". Or, "people who read that blog think I don't wear any clothes! You need to fix that, I don't walk around the house completely naked!" Or, "I like beards too." To which I say "What?" and she says "Beards, I like beards on that list thingy on the blog? Beards." Or she says "I'm coming up with a list thing for that blog." to which I say "Okay what is it?" to which she says "I'm workin on it."

So I thought it would be easy - ask her the questions and then just type in the answers "poof" we have a new blog entry.

Not exactly.

What follow is our Q & A along with the appropriate deviant art.

L: Shannon, I know the answers to some of these questions but let me ask you real quick some of the ones I'm not sure of...

S: Okay...hey don't make me look like a dork.

L: Why would I make you look like a dork?

S. Because I might be a dork, I don't know! Just don't make it seem like it.

L: Favorite Candy

S: I have to pick one?

L: yeah just pick one.

S: Chocolate.

L: Uh...is that...I mean, can you be more specific? There's a pretty broad...you know snickers, mounds, etc.

S: that's JUNKED up chocolate. I'm a purist. Chocolate. Preferably Godiva.

L: Okay , Who's your celebrity crush?

S. Duh, Hugh Grant.

L: Okay, I am just making sure. Sometimes you talk about George Clooney.

S: George Clooney is hot.

L: Okay so is it George Clooney or Hugh Grant?

S: Both.

L: No, you have to pick one.

S: Why?

L: Nevermind, it's Hugh Grant. Moving on...favorite movie?

S: I don't know.

L: Well, just, you know one you can watch over and over.

S: I might look like a dork.

L: You can't look like dork just because you like a specific movie.

S: Okay, probably...Notting Hill.

L: Okay...

S: (interupting me OR)

L: No, it's Notting Hill, next, favorite color?

S: Depends

L: What do you mean it depends?

S: Sometimes it's Red, sometimes it's Black

L: Black? How can your favorite color be black?

S: Because black is clean and like rain.

L: Rain?

S: Yeah. But Red I guess. Or black. Red and Black

L: (at this point I realize she does not understand the concept of picking just one at all)
Okay...How about your favorite tv show?

S: I'll look like a dork.

L: No you won't, what is it?

S: John and Kate plus 8. But that's because I have that crush on that John guy. But that sounds dumb. Celebrity Rehab! I love that show.

L: So...John and Kate plus 8 sounds dumb but Celebrity Rehab is...

S: Celebrity Rehab.

L: ok...Band or person you listened to most recently?

S: I don't know.

L: What do you mean you don't know?

S: I don't know. I listened to Barry Mannilow the other day but he got annoying.

L: Okay so Barry Mannilow...

S: No! That will sound stupid. Ummmm what do I like?

L: I don't know, I'm never around when you're listening to music...

S: (calls out to Austin "what music do I like?"...Bread..Yah but you broke my Bread cd...who? Yeah I like Josh Grobin...I like John Mayer right?) [comes back on the phone] John Mayer.

L: okay (now I'm laughing)

S: WHAT?! Why ARE you LAUGHING?

L: Because you are such a gold. You are so task oriented it's ridiculous.

S: I'm task oriented because I like John Mayer?

L: No, you're task oriented because you've never even thought about half these things and have to ask someone else to find out your opinion.

S: Just ask the questions.

L: What's your favorite time of day.

S: .....depends....

L: How can that depend? You don't just know right off which is your favorite? What time of day do you look forward too? What time of day do you look outside and think "this is my favorite time of day" - for example I like dusk. What time of day do you like Shando?

S: It depends I like early morning but not if I'm tired. I like night, but like late - like midnight.

L: Shan, you're always asleep by midnight...

S: That's the point. I like night if I'm asleep.

L: But how can you enjoy that time of day? You aren't reallly there...

S: What? Yes I am, I'm HAPPY because I'm sleeping. Just put it!

L: Alright! Geez! What's your relationship status...okay, I know "married"...

S: What you want me to say "old and tired and married!"?

L: (roll eyes)

S: What's next?

L: favortie disney character?

S: Old School Micky. But not old funked up Mickey!

L: What the heck is that???

S: You know that steamboat willy crap.

L: oh, so just regular Mickey.

S: Yeah, except you know, like "classic" Micky or whatever, not junked up Mickey.

L: What the heck is junked up Mickey.

S: I don't know! I just like him regular - but not like that "classic pooh crap" I hate that S***!

L: Okay so we have a strong opinion about our Disney Character. Hmmm..

S: Don't try to psychoanalyze that either...

L: Is that where I make guesses that your enjoyment of all things Disney might have been tainted by relatives of yours who love it a little too much?

S: Don't even go there. I can't stand that S***. It drives me nuts!

L: Okay sorry. What kind of pets do you have Shannon?

S: A big black dog and a bunch of cats, one named 'halo' in particular who is about to find a new home.

L: Oh, did you find someone to take him?

S: No, he's about to be escorted to his new home at the humane society.

L: Okay - don't try that driving him across town thing because that never works when just let them out of the car - they always end up coming back worse for the wear and resenting you.

S: Shut up.

L: Brand of Clothes or shoes your'e wearing?

S: I'm not wearing shoes and I don't know what these clothes are...

L: Look at the label...

S: I don't know it's Nordstroms brand I think.

L: Like their housebrand 'Caslon'?

S: Is that what it is? Are you sure? I don't know.

L: Okay dream vacation

S: Somewhere cool and a massage. I just want cool windy weather or something. Cool and a Massage. That's pretty simple right?

L: okay that's not going to work, I'll end up getting a photo of a massage or a cool guy getting a massage or something.

S: Fine by me. Even better.

L: (sigh). Okay. What word describes your personality?

S: Tired.

L: No, your personality. "tired" isn't a personality trait it's a symptom.

S: Then I have symptoms. I'm Tired!

L: So that's what you want me to put? You want me to put tired!?

S: Just put it!

L: OK ......the other question is easy so, well there's two questions I guess that I think I kinda know.

S. it doesn't exactly sound like you know.

L: okay shan - what's your favorite dessert? Chocolate Cake right.

S: The proper type of Chocolate Cake...any cake if it's proper, chocolate being the best usually.

L: ok, so like I said, Chocolate Cake.

S. But I don't want a picture of the wrong kind of chocolate cake.

L: I'll do my best. (insert eye roll here)

S: What's the other question.

L: Favorite food.

S: I guess mexican.

L: You guess? Again, how can you not know that? Just, you know, it's your favorite food, maybe it's changed over the years or whatever but...you perplex me.

S: Look, I like mexican food but I don't ONLY like mexican food so it seems silly to have to pick, I like Indian Food too.

L. So...mexican food it is right?

S: quit being a psycho, mexican.

L: Okay Shando I think we've done our work here. and I managed to work in that you don't parade about completely naked.

S: No I don't, there are always some sorts of something - it all just very loose and mumu like.

L: Okay and I guess I can add a ps than another of her favorite things is her husbands beard.

S: ANY beard.

L: ANY beard? gross.

S; Well not ANY beard. A lot of beards. proper beards.

L: Okay and that combined with the aforementioned love of the band Bread leads us back to the 70s and the hippies correct?

S: I don't think I'm really a hippy.

L: Let me ask you a serious question. If you could go live somewhere with a bunch of other people you genuinely liked, have big gardens, eat the food from those gardens, help watch each other kids, have a big fire at night and sit around and shoot the bull - AND you get to wear loose fitting clothes, maybe even birkenstocks. How does that sound?

S: Do I have to watch other people's kids?

L: No, only if you want to - if you want to be the head garden person and boss people around a bit in a nice way, you can have that job.

S: That sounds nice.

L: That might be a commune.

S: People might bug me though.

L: I already established that it's people you like.

S: Right, but I like my family and they bug me.

L: Okay but I still say that you just might be a hippy.

S: Do communes still exist?

L: Yeah, several of the big ones do - some of the onest that were started in the 60s/70s are still doing their thing.

S: Cool.

L: Do you want to go live there?

S: I like to keep my options open.

L: My work here is done. Talk to you later.