P: "Hello?" A:"Hey, when are you going to do a new blog for Andy?" P: "What do you want it to be about?" A: "Well number one, we were totally vindicated on that mama mia business because today they gave out the RAZZIE awards and what's his face won for worst male something in a movie". P: "I thought Mike Myers won for that guru nonesense thing". A: "I don't know, maybe it was worst singing in a movie that got on my damn nerves or something...anyway he got a Razzie", plus we totally picked best picture." P: "Did I miss something? The Oscars aren't until later tonight - how do you know who is going to get Best Picture?" A: "Duh...because we always get everything right. It'll totally be Slumdog Millionaire".
my apologies to Andy for not getting on the blogpost right away and declaring her the knower of all knowledge prior to the announcement of slumdog as the best picture, but she totally called it first!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Questionnaire Extraordinaire
Wherein Pat asks Andy the pertinent questions:
1. What time did you get up this morning? Which time? I was up all night with a dog diarhea situation so up at 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 am.
2. Diamonds or pearls? See this is why I hate these quiz things...why do I have to choose? It depends on the outfit. Well, I mean, I think it's just which one do you like better? Dishes in pearls, no dishes, diamonds. What? What do dishes have to do with anything? Why are there dishes involved? You mean as in you're DOING the dishes? Why would you be doing dishes in Diamonds OR Pearls? Honey, there's always dishes in life, haven't you figured that out yet? Particularly in My Life.
3. What was the last film you saw at the theatre? That Reese Witherspoon Vince Vaughn Christmas Thing. Kind of stupid.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Celebrity Rehab...what does that say about me?
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Tab followed by a nice big Diet Coke
6. What is your middle name? Don't have one. Me either, but sometimes I use Peterson. Do you ever use Eccles? Unlike you, I don't need a middle name..you seem to have some emotionally needy deal with a middle name and I just really don't give a rats butt.
7. What food do you dislike? Anything fishy, or fishlike, smelling or tasting of fish or fish related.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? I put the Josh Grobin Christmas CD in my car but I haven't listened to it yet. So how can it be your favorite? Well, it's not my FAVORITE it's just the one I'm planning on listening to right now. But I think the question is "favorite". Again, that's why I hate these kind of things. Why do I have to chose? Sometimes these questions are hard. Why is that hard? That doesn't seem like a really tough question, I'm not asking you to explain Photosynthesis, just you know "what kind of music do you like?" Yeah but see there's something else behind that question because it kind of sets it up as a way to judge my taste doesn't it? I mean if I say Cher (which I wouldn't but you know what I'm saying) if I say Cher then people are going to judge me for that. And I just feel like that's giving people too much insight too much power into an opinion about who I am and I'm just not going to go there. Gosh. Yeah Gosh...NEXT!
9. What kind of car do you drive? Ford Explorer.
10. Favorite sandwich? Tomato Mozzarella from Pane Bianco
11. What characteristic do you despise? (long sigh) oh so very many....tardiness, but sometimes I'm tardy. I hate liars and I hate bullshitters.
12. Favorite item of clothing? Anything which does not bug, anything which does not require a bra.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Back to London or anywhere in the UK.
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Burberry
15. Where would you retire to? Cold with trees.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? I try to forget them
17. Favorite sport to watch? Anything my kids are in. Football is boring until your kid is playing...suddenly it isn't.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? What sending? I'm just answering here...don't start making additional requirements on my time...
19. Person you expect to send it back first? What? Nevermind.
20. When is your birthday? June
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning...in a way. What does that mean "in a way". Well it means that I'm sure as hell not a night person, at night I just konk out like my battery is suddenly dead and we don't have jumper cables. And I get a lot done in the morning. But his whole night vs. morning person thing always sounds to me like we're secretly saying that you like one or the other better and really, I prefer night. I like it when it's time to snuggle up and konk out. So it's complicated. And somewhere in all of this I'm afraid, again, you want way too much information. My Andy...we're becoming a bit paranoid aren't we? Whose this "we"? Don't start talking to me like I'm a three year old or a mental patient.
22. What is your shoe size? 8 or 9
23. Pets? Uno Dog. What about the cats? I've made it quite clear that those cats are neither our pets, nor is this their "home". But they were your cats and they do live there right? The cats and I have have a very implicit agreement, I will feed them, they need to ask nothing in return. I already have a diahrea prone dog, I refuse to deal with feline neediness as well.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? sadly no.
25. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be little...I wanted to be thin! I don't think that's what it means, I think it means profession. Well I think I thought about wanting to be thin a lot more than I thought about a profession.
26. How are you today? honestly I little bit sick. Do you think humans can catch flu from dogs?
27. What is your favorite candy? Pure Godiva unadulterated chocolate.
28. What is your favorite flower? Calla Lillies
29. What day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Friday.
30. What is your favorite pastime? I think it's a trick question. Refuse to answer. What? Why? Because I would say read but I can't read without proper glasses, and then I start thinking about how I really need decent glasses but maybe can't afford to get them fixed right now and then it's depressing. So your simple little question about a favorite pastime has just caused me to start to feel despondent about my life right now. See what you've done? Well...can't you think of something that just makes you happy? Yeah...having strangers rub me makes me happy. Yikes. You know what I mean. A MASSAGE. Does it have to be strangers? Preferably, but I'll take my husband in a pinch. As far as I'm concerned I'd 1000% rather have a back rub than have sex. No you wouldn't, that's ridiculous. Don't tell me what's ridiculous, I'm dead serious! See now you're irritating me with this question. Let's move on.
31. What are you listening to right now? My husband wandering around asking questions and I'm pretending I can't hear him.
32. What was the last thing you ate? Swiss cheese. Do you like swiss cheese? I like it, but a lot of people don't. I think the swiss knew what they were doing when they made that cheese so yes, I embrace it whole heartedly. That sounds weird. Well your question about "do you like swiss cheese?" was sort of wistful and weird.
33. Do you wish on stars? No, we live in the city. Well you can still wish on stars. I can't freaking see the stars so the answer is no. Maybe if I had better glasses I could see them...see where this is going right back to despondent again because you're going to make me wish I lived in Flagstaff and that I had better glasses.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black. Yikes. You should never answer like that - just from a psychological perspective, just so you know, black is a very suspect answer. Don't care, suspect away, the answer is black.
35. How is the weather right now? Boring.
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? well normally I could just say you on any given day without hesitation but today it was Tony calling me wanting to come home from the hospital.
37. Favorite soft drink? TAB
38. Favorite restaurant? Pita Jungle, Indian Delhi Palace, Pane Bianco...lots.
39. Real hair color? Ugly
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? Baseball glove. I would say softball bat but then you're going to start making lesbian insinuations. You really didn't realize there's a lesbian bias inherent in softball? No, I really didn't. I just knew that barbie needed to be burned at the stake and I loved softball.
41. Summer or winter? WINTER
42. Hugs or kisses? Depends by who. Yeah but you know you gate hugs more than almost anything in the world. Okay you're right, kisses.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
44. Coffee or tea? Both disgusting.
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? Nevermind, we'll skip that.
46. When was the last time you cried? I have no idea. I don't cry.
47. What is under your bed? The remains of my dead father in law. WHAT? I mean just his crap - his military stuff or whatever, not HIS remains.
48. What did you do last night? Put my husband in the hospital. I typical night for the Wheats.
49. What are you afraid of ? Not much. That's not true. What do you mean? Okay I'm afraid of never having decent teeth, I'm afraid I won't be able to quit eating dessert. No you have bigger fears than that. Like WHAT? Like when you call me because you have to drive out to the desert and you don't like it. Oh yeah, well I definitely hate the desert. Queen Creek being a prime contender for place I fear the most.
50. Salty or sweet? sweet
51. How many keys on your key ring? 6
52. How many years at your current job?15
53. Favorite day of the week? Friday I guess. None really. Why not? Well because even though you're always singing that "friday, friday, friday is my favorite day" song, I really don't think friday is any different than any other day. Well how about Saturday? Nope, worse because that's the day you try to catch up on everything you couldn't get done all week. Okay Sunday. Nope because you have all those church obligations and the whole day is just shot to hell. So I stick with my original answer "none".
54. How many towns have you lived in? 3 Counting Mesa.
55. Do you make friends easily? Yes
1. What time did you get up this morning? Which time? I was up all night with a dog diarhea situation so up at 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 am.
2. Diamonds or pearls? See this is why I hate these quiz things...why do I have to choose? It depends on the outfit. Well, I mean, I think it's just which one do you like better? Dishes in pearls, no dishes, diamonds. What? What do dishes have to do with anything? Why are there dishes involved? You mean as in you're DOING the dishes? Why would you be doing dishes in Diamonds OR Pearls? Honey, there's always dishes in life, haven't you figured that out yet? Particularly in My Life.
3. What was the last film you saw at the theatre? That Reese Witherspoon Vince Vaughn Christmas Thing. Kind of stupid.
4. What is your favorite TV show? Celebrity Rehab...what does that say about me?
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Tab followed by a nice big Diet Coke
6. What is your middle name? Don't have one. Me either, but sometimes I use Peterson. Do you ever use Eccles? Unlike you, I don't need a middle name..you seem to have some emotionally needy deal with a middle name and I just really don't give a rats butt.
7. What food do you dislike? Anything fishy, or fishlike, smelling or tasting of fish or fish related.
8. What is your favorite CD at moment? I put the Josh Grobin Christmas CD in my car but I haven't listened to it yet. So how can it be your favorite? Well, it's not my FAVORITE it's just the one I'm planning on listening to right now. But I think the question is "favorite". Again, that's why I hate these kind of things. Why do I have to chose? Sometimes these questions are hard. Why is that hard? That doesn't seem like a really tough question, I'm not asking you to explain Photosynthesis, just you know "what kind of music do you like?" Yeah but see there's something else behind that question because it kind of sets it up as a way to judge my taste doesn't it? I mean if I say Cher (which I wouldn't but you know what I'm saying) if I say Cher then people are going to judge me for that. And I just feel like that's giving people too much insight too much power into an opinion about who I am and I'm just not going to go there. Gosh. Yeah Gosh...NEXT!
9. What kind of car do you drive? Ford Explorer.
10. Favorite sandwich? Tomato Mozzarella from Pane Bianco
11. What characteristic do you despise? (long sigh) oh so very many....tardiness, but sometimes I'm tardy. I hate liars and I hate bullshitters.
12. Favorite item of clothing? Anything which does not bug, anything which does not require a bra.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Back to London or anywhere in the UK.
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Burberry
15. Where would you retire to? Cold with trees.
16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? I try to forget them
17. Favorite sport to watch? Anything my kids are in. Football is boring until your kid is playing...suddenly it isn't.
18. Furthest place you are sending this? What sending? I'm just answering here...don't start making additional requirements on my time...
19. Person you expect to send it back first? What? Nevermind.
20. When is your birthday? June
21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning...in a way. What does that mean "in a way". Well it means that I'm sure as hell not a night person, at night I just konk out like my battery is suddenly dead and we don't have jumper cables. And I get a lot done in the morning. But his whole night vs. morning person thing always sounds to me like we're secretly saying that you like one or the other better and really, I prefer night. I like it when it's time to snuggle up and konk out. So it's complicated. And somewhere in all of this I'm afraid, again, you want way too much information. My Andy...we're becoming a bit paranoid aren't we? Whose this "we"? Don't start talking to me like I'm a three year old or a mental patient.
22. What is your shoe size? 8 or 9
23. Pets? Uno Dog. What about the cats? I've made it quite clear that those cats are neither our pets, nor is this their "home". But they were your cats and they do live there right? The cats and I have have a very implicit agreement, I will feed them, they need to ask nothing in return. I already have a diahrea prone dog, I refuse to deal with feline neediness as well.
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? sadly no.
25. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be little...I wanted to be thin! I don't think that's what it means, I think it means profession. Well I think I thought about wanting to be thin a lot more than I thought about a profession.
26. How are you today? honestly I little bit sick. Do you think humans can catch flu from dogs?
27. What is your favorite candy? Pure Godiva unadulterated chocolate.
28. What is your favorite flower? Calla Lillies
29. What day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Friday.
30. What is your favorite pastime? I think it's a trick question. Refuse to answer. What? Why? Because I would say read but I can't read without proper glasses, and then I start thinking about how I really need decent glasses but maybe can't afford to get them fixed right now and then it's depressing. So your simple little question about a favorite pastime has just caused me to start to feel despondent about my life right now. See what you've done? Well...can't you think of something that just makes you happy? Yeah...having strangers rub me makes me happy. Yikes. You know what I mean. A MASSAGE. Does it have to be strangers? Preferably, but I'll take my husband in a pinch. As far as I'm concerned I'd 1000% rather have a back rub than have sex. No you wouldn't, that's ridiculous. Don't tell me what's ridiculous, I'm dead serious! See now you're irritating me with this question. Let's move on.
31. What are you listening to right now? My husband wandering around asking questions and I'm pretending I can't hear him.
32. What was the last thing you ate? Swiss cheese. Do you like swiss cheese? I like it, but a lot of people don't. I think the swiss knew what they were doing when they made that cheese so yes, I embrace it whole heartedly. That sounds weird. Well your question about "do you like swiss cheese?" was sort of wistful and weird.
33. Do you wish on stars? No, we live in the city. Well you can still wish on stars. I can't freaking see the stars so the answer is no. Maybe if I had better glasses I could see them...see where this is going right back to despondent again because you're going to make me wish I lived in Flagstaff and that I had better glasses.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black. Yikes. You should never answer like that - just from a psychological perspective, just so you know, black is a very suspect answer. Don't care, suspect away, the answer is black.
35. How is the weather right now? Boring.
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? well normally I could just say you on any given day without hesitation but today it was Tony calling me wanting to come home from the hospital.
37. Favorite soft drink? TAB
38. Favorite restaurant? Pita Jungle, Indian Delhi Palace, Pane Bianco...lots.
39. Real hair color? Ugly
40. What was your favorite toy as a child? Baseball glove. I would say softball bat but then you're going to start making lesbian insinuations. You really didn't realize there's a lesbian bias inherent in softball? No, I really didn't. I just knew that barbie needed to be burned at the stake and I loved softball.
41. Summer or winter? WINTER
42. Hugs or kisses? Depends by who. Yeah but you know you gate hugs more than almost anything in the world. Okay you're right, kisses.
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
44. Coffee or tea? Both disgusting.
45. Do you want your friends to email you back? Nevermind, we'll skip that.
46. When was the last time you cried? I have no idea. I don't cry.
47. What is under your bed? The remains of my dead father in law. WHAT? I mean just his crap - his military stuff or whatever, not HIS remains.
48. What did you do last night? Put my husband in the hospital. I typical night for the Wheats.
49. What are you afraid of ? Not much. That's not true. What do you mean? Okay I'm afraid of never having decent teeth, I'm afraid I won't be able to quit eating dessert. No you have bigger fears than that. Like WHAT? Like when you call me because you have to drive out to the desert and you don't like it. Oh yeah, well I definitely hate the desert. Queen Creek being a prime contender for place I fear the most.
50. Salty or sweet? sweet
51. How many keys on your key ring? 6
52. How many years at your current job?15
53. Favorite day of the week? Friday I guess. None really. Why not? Well because even though you're always singing that "friday, friday, friday is my favorite day" song, I really don't think friday is any different than any other day. Well how about Saturday? Nope, worse because that's the day you try to catch up on everything you couldn't get done all week. Okay Sunday. Nope because you have all those church obligations and the whole day is just shot to hell. So I stick with my original answer "none".
54. How many towns have you lived in? 3 Counting Mesa.
55. Do you make friends easily? Yes
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Registration of Complaint Filed...
(as per usual, the following is conversation between Andy & the loyal secretary Pat).
A: Pat?
P: "Hello?"
A: I have complaint to register.
P: Okay...
A: PLEASE cease and desist with the cupcakes on your blogs!
P: Uh...okay sorry. I did not realize it was such a big issue. Can't we just celebrate a world with cupcakes and be happy they exist even though, currently, we are not eating them?
A: NO! I want to put my fingers in my ears and hide my eyes and pretend that cupcakes do not exist!
P: Okay well...I mean, they do, in fact, exist and I'm not altogether sure if a successful dieting technique is one in which an individual pretends that food doesn't exist - I mean eventually it seems that person would realize that in fact, it does exist, and if the only thing that was keeping you from eating it was imaging that the existence of cupcakes had gone the way of childhood beliefs like the Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy...well...I mean we can have a whole existential argument about whether anything really exists, I got an 'A' in Philosophy 101 and my husband was a philosophy major so I'm capable of having that discussion if you want...I wrote a whole thesis paper on sticking my hand into a fire and if I feel the burn does the fire exist or not and I made a pretty successful argument that it does, in fact, perhaps, not exist but...
A: WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I just don't want to have to think about cupcakes and other foods I can't have day and night and you're talking about friggin' Kierkegaard or something!
P: Well no, not really Kierkegaard but...
A: I don't even know who in the hell Kierkegaard is, I just pulled that out of my butt - whatever! The point is I would really appreciate it if you would quit posting photos of delicious looking cupcakes all over my internet!
P: It's your internet now? Because that's an interesting turn of events...
A: Whatever, don't start psychoanalyzing everything I say now! You know what I mean. Can you just quit with the cupcakes already?
P: I'll try.
A: Pretty please & Thank you?
P: Ok. But let's talk about what your quirky deal with food is these days.
A: What quirky deal with food?
P: I don't know, your recent inability to eat anything since you went on a diet and your Lunch Meat Phobia.
A: Lunch meat phobia? It's not a phobia...
P: No? what did you tell me earlier about lunch meat - specifically roast beef?
A: It's kind of creepy.
P: You're right. That sounds like totally normal and well adjusted thinking.
A: Look I just don't like it, and I don't like that meat in any of it's various FORMS is such a mainstay of this diet. It groddies me out.
P: I love that word.
A: Groddy?
P: Yeah, it's such a great 80s word isn't it? So what you're saying is that meat in any of it's various forms gives you the huuge.
A: Exactly.
P: And so you've decided to become a 'meat anorexic' as a result? Which on this diet basically means you've decided to become an anorexic, correct?
A: No, it doesn't mean that! I could tear up any kind of carbs you could throw in front of me right now!
P: But you're not eating carbs right?
A: Right. But I'm fantasizing about carbs! Which is why I am asking you to quit torturing me with the cupcake photos. I had to banish Paula Dean off my TV today because she was yammering on in her buttery southern drawl about "Monkey Bread" and I could just not tolerate another minute of that water-boarding.
P: Monkey Bread? What the hell is that?
A: Are you kidding? It's delicious dough dipped in copious amounts of butter and sugar and cinnamon and layered in a bunt pan and then layered in more butter. It is the very meaning of life practically. How do you not know this!?
P: I don't know, you were going on about Amish Friendship Bread the other day and I didn't know what that was either.
A: Amish Friendship Bread is love. It is joy. It is life. Bread is...my world.
P: I know. You really dig the bread.
A: Hence my 'loaf'!
P: Look, I'm familiar with having a 'loaf' as well...otherwise I couldn't have just lost 90 pounds. One does not lose 90 pounds without being familiar with the parable of the loaf. But back to your meat phobia...
A: I'm not phobic. I'm just currently grossed out by the chewy stringy condensed boily ground with spit quality of meat right now.
P: You just made meat sound so delicious I'm going to go get me some lunch meat.
A: You're a sick person.
P: Talk to you later.
A: Pat?
P: "Hello?"
A: I have complaint to register.
P: Okay...
A: PLEASE cease and desist with the cupcakes on your blogs!
P: Uh...okay sorry. I did not realize it was such a big issue. Can't we just celebrate a world with cupcakes and be happy they exist even though, currently, we are not eating them?
A: NO! I want to put my fingers in my ears and hide my eyes and pretend that cupcakes do not exist!
P: Okay well...I mean, they do, in fact, exist and I'm not altogether sure if a successful dieting technique is one in which an individual pretends that food doesn't exist - I mean eventually it seems that person would realize that in fact, it does exist, and if the only thing that was keeping you from eating it was imaging that the existence of cupcakes had gone the way of childhood beliefs like the Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy...well...I mean we can have a whole existential argument about whether anything really exists, I got an 'A' in Philosophy 101 and my husband was a philosophy major so I'm capable of having that discussion if you want...I wrote a whole thesis paper on sticking my hand into a fire and if I feel the burn does the fire exist or not and I made a pretty successful argument that it does, in fact, perhaps, not exist but...
A: WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I just don't want to have to think about cupcakes and other foods I can't have day and night and you're talking about friggin' Kierkegaard or something!
P: Well no, not really Kierkegaard but...
A: I don't even know who in the hell Kierkegaard is, I just pulled that out of my butt - whatever! The point is I would really appreciate it if you would quit posting photos of delicious looking cupcakes all over my internet!
P: It's your internet now? Because that's an interesting turn of events...
A: Whatever, don't start psychoanalyzing everything I say now! You know what I mean. Can you just quit with the cupcakes already?
P: I'll try.
A: Pretty please & Thank you?
P: Ok. But let's talk about what your quirky deal with food is these days.
A: What quirky deal with food?
P: I don't know, your recent inability to eat anything since you went on a diet and your Lunch Meat Phobia.
A: Lunch meat phobia? It's not a phobia...
P: No? what did you tell me earlier about lunch meat - specifically roast beef?
A: It's kind of creepy.
P: You're right. That sounds like totally normal and well adjusted thinking.
A: Look I just don't like it, and I don't like that meat in any of it's various FORMS is such a mainstay of this diet. It groddies me out.
P: I love that word.
A: Groddy?
P: Yeah, it's such a great 80s word isn't it? So what you're saying is that meat in any of it's various forms gives you the huuge.
A: Exactly.
P: And so you've decided to become a 'meat anorexic' as a result? Which on this diet basically means you've decided to become an anorexic, correct?
A: No, it doesn't mean that! I could tear up any kind of carbs you could throw in front of me right now!
P: But you're not eating carbs right?
A: Right. But I'm fantasizing about carbs! Which is why I am asking you to quit torturing me with the cupcake photos. I had to banish Paula Dean off my TV today because she was yammering on in her buttery southern drawl about "Monkey Bread" and I could just not tolerate another minute of that water-boarding.
P: Monkey Bread? What the hell is that?
A: Are you kidding? It's delicious dough dipped in copious amounts of butter and sugar and cinnamon and layered in a bunt pan and then layered in more butter. It is the very meaning of life practically. How do you not know this!?
P: I don't know, you were going on about Amish Friendship Bread the other day and I didn't know what that was either.
A: Amish Friendship Bread is love. It is joy. It is life. Bread is...my world.
P: I know. You really dig the bread.
A: Hence my 'loaf'!
P: Look, I'm familiar with having a 'loaf' as well...otherwise I couldn't have just lost 90 pounds. One does not lose 90 pounds without being familiar with the parable of the loaf. But back to your meat phobia...
A: I'm not phobic. I'm just currently grossed out by the chewy stringy condensed boily ground with spit quality of meat right now.
P: You just made meat sound so delicious I'm going to go get me some lunch meat.
A: You're a sick person.
P: Talk to you later.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Little Miss Sunshine - Laughed So Hard She Almost Urinated
Transcript of a conversation between Pat & Andy regarding Andy's favorite movies
P: So I'm thinking of doing a blog on your movie likes and dislikes...
A: Yeah?
P: I did a blog on mine.
A: Yeah?
P: You couldn't care less, I can tell...and I can tell you're eating - what is it carrots?
A: Why would you say that?
P: When you get bored with what I'm saying you start chomping on something like you're bugs bunny.
A: I do not!
P: Ya do.
A: Sometimes I eat when I'm on the phone because...I don't know, because...
P: Because that's what you do when you're bored?
A: Maybe
P: Okay so what movies do you like?
A: I don't know I'd have to ask Austin and he isn't here right now.
P: Are you kidding?!
A: Well I know I did NOT like that mamma mia movie!
P: We've established that. How can you not know what movies you like?
A: I TOLD you I have alzheimers. I can't remember any!
P: Well what about providing an opinion on the movies I like.
A: Ok what are they? If it's a bunch of that foreign and independent crap you know I won't have an opinion.
P: Well, I think you've seen most of these.
A: Shoot.
P: The graduate
A: Never really watched it...seemed boring.
P: Are you serious? Please tell me you aren't serious.
A: I don't know I might have seen parts of it but...I never liked all that hippy simon and garfunkle crap from the 60s.
P: Oh my gosh. I'm not even going to get into this with you, let's move on...how about Amelie.
A: Yeah...hate to admit it, but never really watched it.
P: What? After I told you how awesome it was and one of my favorite movies?
A: Yeah...never got around to it.
P: Wait...I even let you guys borrow it...
A: Never watched it...just gave it back when it seemed an appropriate amount of time had passed.
P: But I had a whole conversation with Tony about that movie - I'm pretty sure he watched it!
A: Maybe but I think I fell asleep as soon as I realized they were going to be speaking french for 2 hours.
P: Gads.
A: Onward and Upwards I say...
P: Geez...okay what about Muriel's Wedding.
A: Never heard of it.
P: We just talked about this movie and how it was WAY better than momma mia! Remember that conversation.
A: Didn't know what you were talking about...just agreeing to be agreeable. Look anything has got to be better than momma mia.
P: Oh my gosh. I'm getting seriously irritated with you - we've had conversations about a lot of these movies.
A: Well you conversated about them and I listened.
P: Conversated huh? Is that a word I'm unfamiliar with or did that come out the George W. Bush thesaurus?
A: Moving on...
P: Okay I think it's safe to assume you never saw My Life as a Dog or Christ Stopped at Eboli.
A: Safe to assume
P: What about Falling in Love?
A: Nope. Meryl Streep kinda bugs.
P: Are you serious?
A: She bugs.
P: How can you say that? She's incredibly talented and nuanced and fabulous to watch almost always!
A: She bugs. She looks European or something and I don't get what the fuss is about.
P: Okay what about Grosse Point Blank or Say Anything?
A: I liked Say Anything...Grosse Point...sorry I just don't love it.
P: did you like it at least?
A: Look I heard it was about a hit man and there was shooting in that movie and I didn't want to watch it.
P: Do you realize that you only ever want to watch romantic comedies? That's it, you almost never like anything else.
A: That's not true.
P: It's absolutely true. What are your favorite movies?
A: Love Story, Pretty Woman, Knotting Hill, Music & Lyrics, 16 Candles, Sex in the City, Monsoon Wedding.
P: I rest my case.
A: No wait! But I do like one movie that is not a romantic comedy!
P: What is it?
A: Little Miss Sunshine. That might honestly be my favorite movie. And you made me go to that and it was at that art house theatre in Scottsdale so I was all worried...
P: Does it always make you worry when I make you go there?
A: Well sometimes they end up being about Poland or someone's lesbian british summer or whatever or Owen Wilson stumbling around India with a big nose...
P: Gads. Be nice to him - he almost committed suicide after he made that movie
A: Well, it's true! But this is one time that I was pleasantly surprised. It was awesome. I laugh so hard I thought I'd pee.
P: Okay so I guess I'll put that on the blog "Little Miss Sunshine - Laughed So Hard She Almost Pee'd".
A: Yeah I don't care go ahead and put it. But maybe leave off that bit about the Sex and the City movie.
P: Should I also leave off the bit about how you saw it three times (that I know of, at LEAST) and how it makes you CRY?
A: Yeah...please leave that off - sometimes people from church read that thing and I don't want everyone thinking I'm marching off to an R rated movie every Saturday afternoon so I can stare at Big and have a good cry - which you know that I NEVER cry.
P: Okay...I still a little annoyed that you wouldn't see any of the movies I've recommended to you over the years...even when I lent you the movie. What about Lost in Translation? That's a love story!
A: Yeah...I don't know...I got bored. It was too quiet and they were in Japan for pete's sake. Not very romantic. Reminds me of foreign exchange students from Japan.
P: WHAT?
A: Never mind. Just you know, I couldn't finish it.
P: I seem to distinctly recall you told me that you did in fact like it.
A: Yeah well...sometimes I say stuff just to placate you. Anyway....
I gotta go - but you're not going to put all this on the blog right?
P: Uh...yeah.
A: K Bye
P: Bye
sometimes I say stuff just to placate her though
P: So I'm thinking of doing a blog on your movie likes and dislikes...
A: Yeah?
P: I did a blog on mine.
A: Yeah?
P: You couldn't care less, I can tell...and I can tell you're eating - what is it carrots?
A: Why would you say that?
P: When you get bored with what I'm saying you start chomping on something like you're bugs bunny.
A: I do not!
P: Ya do.
A: Sometimes I eat when I'm on the phone because...I don't know, because...
P: Because that's what you do when you're bored?
A: Maybe
P: Okay so what movies do you like?
A: I don't know I'd have to ask Austin and he isn't here right now.
P: Are you kidding?!
A: Well I know I did NOT like that mamma mia movie!
P: We've established that. How can you not know what movies you like?
A: I TOLD you I have alzheimers. I can't remember any!
P: Well what about providing an opinion on the movies I like.
A: Ok what are they? If it's a bunch of that foreign and independent crap you know I won't have an opinion.
P: Well, I think you've seen most of these.
A: Shoot.
P: The graduate
A: Never really watched it...seemed boring.
P: Are you serious? Please tell me you aren't serious.
A: I don't know I might have seen parts of it but...I never liked all that hippy simon and garfunkle crap from the 60s.
P: Oh my gosh. I'm not even going to get into this with you, let's move on...how about Amelie.
A: Yeah...hate to admit it, but never really watched it.
P: What? After I told you how awesome it was and one of my favorite movies?
A: Yeah...never got around to it.
P: Wait...I even let you guys borrow it...
A: Never watched it...just gave it back when it seemed an appropriate amount of time had passed.
P: But I had a whole conversation with Tony about that movie - I'm pretty sure he watched it!
A: Maybe but I think I fell asleep as soon as I realized they were going to be speaking french for 2 hours.
P: Gads.
A: Onward and Upwards I say...
P: Geez...okay what about Muriel's Wedding.
A: Never heard of it.
P: We just talked about this movie and how it was WAY better than momma mia! Remember that conversation.
A: Didn't know what you were talking about...just agreeing to be agreeable. Look anything has got to be better than momma mia.
P: Oh my gosh. I'm getting seriously irritated with you - we've had conversations about a lot of these movies.
A: Well you conversated about them and I listened.
P: Conversated huh? Is that a word I'm unfamiliar with or did that come out the George W. Bush thesaurus?
A: Moving on...
P: Okay I think it's safe to assume you never saw My Life as a Dog or Christ Stopped at Eboli.
A: Safe to assume
P: What about Falling in Love?
A: Nope. Meryl Streep kinda bugs.
P: Are you serious?
A: She bugs.
P: How can you say that? She's incredibly talented and nuanced and fabulous to watch almost always!
A: She bugs. She looks European or something and I don't get what the fuss is about.
P: Okay what about Grosse Point Blank or Say Anything?
A: I liked Say Anything...Grosse Point...sorry I just don't love it.
P: did you like it at least?
A: Look I heard it was about a hit man and there was shooting in that movie and I didn't want to watch it.
P: Do you realize that you only ever want to watch romantic comedies? That's it, you almost never like anything else.
A: That's not true.
P: It's absolutely true. What are your favorite movies?
A: Love Story, Pretty Woman, Knotting Hill, Music & Lyrics, 16 Candles, Sex in the City, Monsoon Wedding.
P: I rest my case.
A: No wait! But I do like one movie that is not a romantic comedy!
P: What is it?
A: Little Miss Sunshine. That might honestly be my favorite movie. And you made me go to that and it was at that art house theatre in Scottsdale so I was all worried...
P: Does it always make you worry when I make you go there?
A: Well sometimes they end up being about Poland or someone's lesbian british summer or whatever or Owen Wilson stumbling around India with a big nose...
P: Gads. Be nice to him - he almost committed suicide after he made that movie
A: Well, it's true! But this is one time that I was pleasantly surprised. It was awesome. I laugh so hard I thought I'd pee.
P: Okay so I guess I'll put that on the blog "Little Miss Sunshine - Laughed So Hard She Almost Pee'd".
A: Yeah I don't care go ahead and put it. But maybe leave off that bit about the Sex and the City movie.
P: Should I also leave off the bit about how you saw it three times (that I know of, at LEAST) and how it makes you CRY?
A: Yeah...please leave that off - sometimes people from church read that thing and I don't want everyone thinking I'm marching off to an R rated movie every Saturday afternoon so I can stare at Big and have a good cry - which you know that I NEVER cry.
P: Okay...I still a little annoyed that you wouldn't see any of the movies I've recommended to you over the years...even when I lent you the movie. What about Lost in Translation? That's a love story!
A: Yeah...I don't know...I got bored. It was too quiet and they were in Japan for pete's sake. Not very romantic. Reminds me of foreign exchange students from Japan.
P: WHAT?
A: Never mind. Just you know, I couldn't finish it.
P: I seem to distinctly recall you told me that you did in fact like it.
A: Yeah well...sometimes I say stuff just to placate you. Anyway....
I gotta go - but you're not going to put all this on the blog right?
P: Uh...yeah.
A: K Bye
P: Bye
sometimes I say stuff just to placate her though
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Are You Kidding Me? That Momma Mia Almost Liked to Have KILLED ME!
Shando has a review of the movie Momma Mia she would like to get off her chest...if you totally adored the movie, you might want to quit reading now...if you haven't gone yet, perhaps we can save you the $9 and the wasted time you'll want back at the end of your life when you realize in horror you spent 2 hours of it in the theatre watching momma mia. The review is more of a Siskell & Ebert (I know, that one dude is dead...but they're the original and so are we) type of review where Shando and I converse about the topic at hand...any swearing is inadvertent, but probably necessary...
Another note of explanation; Shando probably would not have gone to this movie, I talked her into it based on numerous good reviews of friends and acquaintances.
[by now you know the routine, A is for shando (Andy), and P is for Lezlee (Pat)]
P: So we've seen Momma Mia and...well, what would you like to say about it?
A: I would like to say that at some point in the middle of that movie I realized that the Batman movie was playing next door...
P: And you wished we'd gone to that instead?
A: No, I don't even really like Batman - but I was hoping like hell he would bust through that wall and beat the living crap out of everyone on the Mamma Mia screen!
P: Oh....I am SO sorry I suggested we go to that movie. It seemed like it might be just light-hearted fun and I really do secretly like ABBA , and I've always liked Meryl Streep and that blonde girl from Big Love seemed like she might be good...I've got a million reasons why I thought it would be okay but somehow that combination of things plus Pierce Brosnan singing like hell was kind of a -
A: Cluster Foogazey?
P: A cluster foogazey, yes.
A: I mean, you know I already have kind of an issue with musicals sometimes...it's like why in the crap are you singing right now Maria? The Nazi's are coming to get you and you're singing! But you know...I try to keep an open mind. But when grown men are hopping around in brightly colored swim fins and tight scuba suits singing their lungs out, that's where I have to wonder what the hell is going on...
P: It was pretty gay.
A: No it was REALLY gay. I don't get it. You've got all these mormon women saying "oh go! It's wonderful!" Do they not realize it's a thinly disguised GAY movie...it's not even disguised! what am I saying? It's just a totally gay movie.
P: Which...you know, frankly, I don't really care if a bunch of gay guys want to go watch other gay guys dance around to gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...
A: RIGHT but why do I want to watch that? That is not the kind of guy I want to watch!
P: I know...and I can't figure out if some people are not paying close attention in this movie. Colin Firth realizes he's actually gay that night and then talks about it the next day and then towards the end of the movie...
A: You've got that whole end sequence where it looks like a gay "It's Raining Men" rainbow-rama in there!
P: But maybe mormon women don't get that part?
A: How can you not get that? They are dancing around in wet t-shirts with other men! What's not to get!?
P: i know at first I was thinking...what? why are they making Colin Firth gay? What does that even have to do with anything? and then I looked around the theatre and realized...oh right, there's a lot of gay men here, they want them to relate to the movie so it makes sense...
A: It makes sense that the gayest movie ever is a little bit about gay men? Yes! It makes sense!
P: Any straight guy who goes and sees this movie will want to kill his wife/girlfriend.
A: And they will need to go straight to the doctor and receive a testosterone injection.
P: I am so glad I didn't even remotely try to get any male I knew to go.
A: But see that's the thing - my husband would not have gone if I had threatened him.
P: It was kind of funny. I mean not intentionally funny in that way - but it was funny to us. I felt pretty hysterical by the time it was over. I couldn't drag myself away from it because it's like that feeling you have when you are watching a car accident and you know you should turn away but you just can't do it.
A: Oh AND if you do not break out in hysterical crying laughter when an old lady in a Babooska drops her load of sticks she's gathering to join in the festivities and dance away on the dock WITH the gay men...I just don't know how to help you.
P: So anything good to say about the movie?
A: Thank goodness it's over.
P: I do still like ABBA though...but not when Pierce Brosnan is butchering their songs.
A: What on earth was that man thinking? I don't get it at all? Doesn't he want us to remember him as a bad-ass 007? Don't make us remember you singing ABBA off-key!
P: If you want to see a good movie featuring the music of ABBA go see a fabulous little movie called "Muriels Wedding" SOOOO much better.
A: I really like that movie.
P: I love that movie and that movie did right by ABBA.
A: We should totally steer people toward the good movies of the past 20 years.
P: We totally should.
A: And we should make it clear that MAMMA MIA Is not one of them.
P: It should come with a warning label - not for diabetics...will put you in a diabetic coma.
A: Am I a bitter shriveled up old bitty for not liking that movie? Everyone freaking loves that movie!
P: You might be a bitter shriveled up old bitty but I'm with you on this one.
A: That's why you're my best friend. We have to write a blog on that sometime since Cindy seems to have issued a challenge in that department.
P: Okay, this has been long enough for today though.
****If you read through this and you loved Momma Mia...please illucidate us, please help us understand...we just don't get it*****
Another note of explanation; Shando probably would not have gone to this movie, I talked her into it based on numerous good reviews of friends and acquaintances.
[by now you know the routine, A is for shando (Andy), and P is for Lezlee (Pat)]
P: So we've seen Momma Mia and...well, what would you like to say about it?
A: I would like to say that at some point in the middle of that movie I realized that the Batman movie was playing next door...
P: And you wished we'd gone to that instead?
A: No, I don't even really like Batman - but I was hoping like hell he would bust through that wall and beat the living crap out of everyone on the Mamma Mia screen!
P: Oh....I am SO sorry I suggested we go to that movie. It seemed like it might be just light-hearted fun and I really do secretly like ABBA , and I've always liked Meryl Streep and that blonde girl from Big Love seemed like she might be good...I've got a million reasons why I thought it would be okay but somehow that combination of things plus Pierce Brosnan singing like hell was kind of a -
A: Cluster Foogazey?
P: A cluster foogazey, yes.
A: I mean, you know I already have kind of an issue with musicals sometimes...it's like why in the crap are you singing right now Maria? The Nazi's are coming to get you and you're singing! But you know...I try to keep an open mind. But when grown men are hopping around in brightly colored swim fins and tight scuba suits singing their lungs out, that's where I have to wonder what the hell is going on...
P: It was pretty gay.
A: No it was REALLY gay. I don't get it. You've got all these mormon women saying "oh go! It's wonderful!" Do they not realize it's a thinly disguised GAY movie...it's not even disguised! what am I saying? It's just a totally gay movie.
P: Which...you know, frankly, I don't really care if a bunch of gay guys want to go watch other gay guys dance around to gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight...
A: RIGHT but why do I want to watch that? That is not the kind of guy I want to watch!
P: I know...and I can't figure out if some people are not paying close attention in this movie. Colin Firth realizes he's actually gay that night and then talks about it the next day and then towards the end of the movie...
A: You've got that whole end sequence where it looks like a gay "It's Raining Men" rainbow-rama in there!
P: But maybe mormon women don't get that part?
A: How can you not get that? They are dancing around in wet t-shirts with other men! What's not to get!?
P: i know at first I was thinking...what? why are they making Colin Firth gay? What does that even have to do with anything? and then I looked around the theatre and realized...oh right, there's a lot of gay men here, they want them to relate to the movie so it makes sense...
A: It makes sense that the gayest movie ever is a little bit about gay men? Yes! It makes sense!
P: Any straight guy who goes and sees this movie will want to kill his wife/girlfriend.
A: And they will need to go straight to the doctor and receive a testosterone injection.
P: I am so glad I didn't even remotely try to get any male I knew to go.
A: But see that's the thing - my husband would not have gone if I had threatened him.
P: It was kind of funny. I mean not intentionally funny in that way - but it was funny to us. I felt pretty hysterical by the time it was over. I couldn't drag myself away from it because it's like that feeling you have when you are watching a car accident and you know you should turn away but you just can't do it.
A: Oh AND if you do not break out in hysterical crying laughter when an old lady in a Babooska drops her load of sticks she's gathering to join in the festivities and dance away on the dock WITH the gay men...I just don't know how to help you.
P: So anything good to say about the movie?
A: Thank goodness it's over.
P: I do still like ABBA though...but not when Pierce Brosnan is butchering their songs.
A: What on earth was that man thinking? I don't get it at all? Doesn't he want us to remember him as a bad-ass 007? Don't make us remember you singing ABBA off-key!
P: If you want to see a good movie featuring the music of ABBA go see a fabulous little movie called "Muriels Wedding" SOOOO much better.
A: I really like that movie.
P: I love that movie and that movie did right by ABBA.
A: We should totally steer people toward the good movies of the past 20 years.
P: We totally should.
A: And we should make it clear that MAMMA MIA Is not one of them.
P: It should come with a warning label - not for diabetics...will put you in a diabetic coma.
A: Am I a bitter shriveled up old bitty for not liking that movie? Everyone freaking loves that movie!
P: You might be a bitter shriveled up old bitty but I'm with you on this one.
A: That's why you're my best friend. We have to write a blog on that sometime since Cindy seems to have issued a challenge in that department.
P: Okay, this has been long enough for today though.
****If you read through this and you loved Momma Mia...please illucidate us, please help us understand...we just don't get it*****
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Nickname Redux
This is Pat's transcription of a recent conversation between Shando and Lucia:
S: "What is Satan Child over there doing?"
L: "I have no idea"
S: "So, I don't get it, why are she and Red Headed Momma even here? Are they cousins with that other little girl or....how are these people related?"
L: "Who?"
S: "Why is Red-Headed Momma always here with Zipper Pant?"
L: "Oh...they're just friends, Zipper Pant is the aunt of the other girl."
S: "So Zipper Pant is the Aunt?"
L: "Zipper Pant is the Aunt."
S: "Of who? I'm confused...of Satan Child?"
L: "No, they're friends...Zipper Pant and Satan Child's mom are friends...Zipper Pant is _______'s aunt.
S: "Titty Dance is the sister to Zipper Pant?"
L: "(laughing)....Do we even know that's what she does?"
S: "Who Titty Dance? Did you see those implants? Did you catch the outfit? Hello! What do you think she does? All those $1 bills she pays with? Yes, safe to assume."
L: "Okay so yes, apparently Zipper Pant and Titty Dance are sisters...no relation to Satan Child."
S: "Glad we got that straight"
S: "What is Satan Child over there doing?"
L: "I have no idea"
S: "So, I don't get it, why are she and Red Headed Momma even here? Are they cousins with that other little girl or....how are these people related?"
L: "Who?"
S: "Why is Red-Headed Momma always here with Zipper Pant?"
L: "Oh...they're just friends, Zipper Pant is the aunt of the other girl."
S: "So Zipper Pant is the Aunt?"
L: "Zipper Pant is the Aunt."
S: "Of who? I'm confused...of Satan Child?"
L: "No, they're friends...Zipper Pant and Satan Child's mom are friends...Zipper Pant is _______'s aunt.
S: "Titty Dance is the sister to Zipper Pant?"
L: "(laughing)....Do we even know that's what she does?"
S: "Who Titty Dance? Did you see those implants? Did you catch the outfit? Hello! What do you think she does? All those $1 bills she pays with? Yes, safe to assume."
L: "Okay so yes, apparently Zipper Pant and Titty Dance are sisters...no relation to Satan Child."
S: "Glad we got that straight"
Friday, July 11, 2008
Whatcha Been Up To All these Years?
20 years ago I was:
1. Embarking on a Career at Parking Services at Northern Arizona University as part of my 'get rich quick' scheme
2. Living in Communist Housing
3. Nearly Starving to Death but thinking it was all 'oh so romantic' being somewhat newly married and all
10 years ago I was:
1. Buying a House that needed a crap-load of re-hab
2. Doing a crap load of re-hab on my house
3. Was really happy I had recently had my breasts reduced (Lezlee and I became friends when I asked her if she liked her breast reduction. I think I sort of shocked the crap out of her with that question but I convinced her to let me see the scarring and then I said "SOLD!" and scheduled those puppies to be lobbed off).
5 years ago I was:
1. Had a 13 year old boy and that was somewhat TRAUMATIC
2. Trying to go back to school which was also somewhat TRAUMATIC
3. Taking a math class which induced night sweats and was also TRAUMATIC
3 years ago I was:
1. So glad I no longer had a 13 year old boy!
2. Embarked on a new career as a personal high-end shopper/high-end shoe salesperson/ass kisser (unfortunately I should have learned from my many years of selling tuxedo's that it's part of the job when you're dealing with retail and picky people)
3. If you think I had time for anything else besides cleaning my house and running my people, you are wrong!
1 year ago I was:
1. Sick to death of Lezlee Flying BACK AND FORTH to Utah every week.
2. Regretted not going to visit her when she asked (at the time LEHI UTAH did not sound like a vaction....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
3. Realized one of my only vacations was going to be attending a funeral in Kentucky (that doesn't sound like much of a vacation either....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
This year so far I have:
1. Done a lot more of the same, same, same which is making me koo-koo-ka-roo
2. Complained so much about the same, same, same that Lezlee started FUNDAY thursday (which is sometimes Funday Friday or Funday Wednesday or whatever...basically a day where she invents something for Shando to look foward too)
3. Started something called "Sacrament Fast & Testimony Bingo". It's a big hit. Ask some of the folks from Biltmore Ward (though not the extremely pious members...they are not in the know)
Yesterday I:
1. Worked my booty off at the swim meet with Lezlee
2. Gave my husband the stink-eye at least once
3. Gave my kids/Lezlee and some other random people the stink eye at least once.
Today I will:
1. Go get my hair 'did' with Lezlee and have some Hummus lunch
2. Get really, really annoyed when I realize that the tard situation at Fry's is escalating - now we've got day time 'tards and night time 'tards and not only that, which is resulting in more and more collateral damage on my groceries but one of them helped me to my car with my bags and then spied a box of nutter butter cookies half eaten in the back of my car and he ASKED FOR THEM! And I gave them to him- because it seems like 'tard ettiquette if they ask, you have to give right? And like I said before...God love 'em and all but....good grief!
3. Actually go shopping which I like never, never do.
Tomorrow I will:
1. Do some version of laundry/kids/home office work/sales/shipping/(same same same)
2. See number 1 above
3. See numbers 1 and 2 above
In the next year I will:
1. Spread my special kind of Shando love to mankind
2. Try to be more patient with the 'tard situation (and/or WRITE TO FRY'S and ask them what the heck they are thinking!)
3. Miss my 18 year old like crazy while he's at school, but try not to let on to my husband and just commiserate with Lezlee
1. Embarking on a Career at Parking Services at Northern Arizona University as part of my 'get rich quick' scheme
2. Living in Communist Housing
3. Nearly Starving to Death but thinking it was all 'oh so romantic' being somewhat newly married and all
10 years ago I was:
1. Buying a House that needed a crap-load of re-hab
2. Doing a crap load of re-hab on my house
3. Was really happy I had recently had my breasts reduced (Lezlee and I became friends when I asked her if she liked her breast reduction. I think I sort of shocked the crap out of her with that question but I convinced her to let me see the scarring and then I said "SOLD!" and scheduled those puppies to be lobbed off).
5 years ago I was:
1. Had a 13 year old boy and that was somewhat TRAUMATIC
2. Trying to go back to school which was also somewhat TRAUMATIC
3. Taking a math class which induced night sweats and was also TRAUMATIC
3 years ago I was:
1. So glad I no longer had a 13 year old boy!
2. Embarked on a new career as a personal high-end shopper/high-end shoe salesperson/ass kisser (unfortunately I should have learned from my many years of selling tuxedo's that it's part of the job when you're dealing with retail and picky people)
3. If you think I had time for anything else besides cleaning my house and running my people, you are wrong!
1 year ago I was:
1. Sick to death of Lezlee Flying BACK AND FORTH to Utah every week.
2. Regretted not going to visit her when she asked (at the time LEHI UTAH did not sound like a vaction....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
3. Realized one of my only vacations was going to be attending a funeral in Kentucky (that doesn't sound like much of a vacation either....I don't think I'm alone in that thought)
This year so far I have:
1. Done a lot more of the same, same, same which is making me koo-koo-ka-roo
2. Complained so much about the same, same, same that Lezlee started FUNDAY thursday (which is sometimes Funday Friday or Funday Wednesday or whatever...basically a day where she invents something for Shando to look foward too)
3. Started something called "Sacrament Fast & Testimony Bingo". It's a big hit. Ask some of the folks from Biltmore Ward (though not the extremely pious members...they are not in the know)
Yesterday I:
1. Worked my booty off at the swim meet with Lezlee
2. Gave my husband the stink-eye at least once
3. Gave my kids/Lezlee and some other random people the stink eye at least once.
Today I will:
1. Go get my hair 'did' with Lezlee and have some Hummus lunch
2. Get really, really annoyed when I realize that the tard situation at Fry's is escalating - now we've got day time 'tards and night time 'tards and not only that, which is resulting in more and more collateral damage on my groceries but one of them helped me to my car with my bags and then spied a box of nutter butter cookies half eaten in the back of my car and he ASKED FOR THEM! And I gave them to him- because it seems like 'tard ettiquette if they ask, you have to give right? And like I said before...God love 'em and all but....good grief!
3. Actually go shopping which I like never, never do.
Tomorrow I will:
1. Do some version of laundry/kids/home office work/sales/shipping/(same same same)
2. See number 1 above
3. See numbers 1 and 2 above
In the next year I will:
1. Spread my special kind of Shando love to mankind
2. Try to be more patient with the 'tard situation (and/or WRITE TO FRY'S and ask them what the heck they are thinking!)
3. Miss my 18 year old like crazy while he's at school, but try not to let on to my husband and just commiserate with Lezlee
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